My boyfriend and I went out on Saturday, came home and had sex a few times. I had work all day the next day and he had work early this morning, so we didn't really get to see each other until this afternoon when he came home and told me how one of the condoms we used ripped. He said it so casually I thought he was joking at first. We were both drunk and got pretty into it, changing condoms each time, but apparently as he entered me after putting a new one on it ripped so he pulled right out. We had been going at it for a while so we were both pretty dry (also I'm sure the alcohol didn't help). I was on all fours so I didn't actually see it rip, and in the moment I guess I just had him put a new one on and we finished. The thing is I didn't remember the condom ripping. My first reaction was anger toward him for not telling or reminding me, but I know as an adult (I'm 26 he's 29) it's my responsibility to make sure I'm having safe sex, I can't really use being drunk as an excuse. Still, I felt hurt by him. If he hadn't told me, I wouldn't have thought twice about it, but because he did, I went out today and got Plan B one step and took it. I'm hoping this was the right decision, he seemed to think it was unnecessary, but for me a condom breaking=get Plan B. I'm currently on no other HBC and in my fertile period.
Which brings me to the second part, my anxiety over sex. I was a late bloomer, my BF was my first sexual partner when we started dating four years ago. Before that I had a lot of hookups and such, doing everything except intercourse. Sex always gave me anxiety because of the risk of pregnancy, but I was never in a long term relationship so I didn't get on HBC until my current BF. These hookups didn't make me feel good most of the time, and there always came that awkward pressure to have sex, and me having to explain I was a virgin. I contracted genital HSV-1 from one of these interactions which made everything worse--a virgin with an STI. How could I ever have sex? Who would want to date me? I'm grateful to my BF for not caring about my HSV (I only had one outbreak ever, I think maybe six years ago now) and when we first started having sex it was great. We used condoms only, which I thought was fine, but now I know more of the risks associated with using only one method (the second time we ever had sex the condom broke and I had to get Plan B). I went on HBC for a while, but hated the side effects/weight gain so I went off it.
Unfortunately for me, without the HBC I feel like I'm fifteen again--worried every little sexual interaction is a risk for pregnancy, driving my BF crazy asking details of where he came and if he touched me with his fingers before washing them, googling the crap out of everything and posting a lot on here. I've got OCD pretty bad so I think that has a lot to do with it. It's gotten to the point where I only want to have sex during my fertile period, so we have sex usually once or twice a month. It's also the most risky time for me because I don't take any HBC. He gets frustrated because of that and I feel guilty, but then I feel weird for being guilty...I should have sex when I want to, not just to please him. I recently lost close to 30 pounds after coming off HBC and my SSRI. I feel like going back on HBC would give me more peace of mind but am scared of the side effects (mostly the weight gain and what I gained in cup size, I've always had huge boobs but they got HUGE on HBC). I feel so much healthier now and feel better about my physical appearance. I guess I would consider trying something different, but in general I'm trying to go the natural route with no synthetic hormones, no implants, no IUD or anything invasive. Ultimately though, I need to get my mental health in check which is much more important to me right now than a healthy sex life.
I guess I'm just looking for insight on these various issues--anyone out there been through something similar or can offer advice? I apologize for the length of this. It all just came out!