estrellafugaz85 (estrellafugaz85) wrote in vaginapagina,

Anxiety regarding sexual encounters

Hi everyone,

I'm posting here because this isn't an issue I feel comfortable discussing with anyone in real life. Basically, my relationship with my long-term partner of 5 years ended in March this year. We had both been very unhappy for the last couple of years of it and one of the main reasons for me staying with him was my high-level anxiety, especially regarding sexual health. I was unlucky enough to get chlamydia from my first sexual encounter when I was 20 (even though we used a condom and it seemed fine) along with high risk HPV, so that left me completely paranoid to the extent that it practically ruined my sex life. So I ended up staying in a relationship that was wrong for me largely because I knew we were both STI-free and I knew his sexual history well even though what I really wanted to do deep down was date around a little and have fun in my 20s.

We finally ended the relationship this year because we realised we were just incompatible and it wasn't going anywhere. I found it very difficult to meet new guys - I went on a few dates with guys from online dating but never seemed to have chemistry with them and nobody really approached me in real life . This resulted in me ending up hung up on my ex, wondering if maybe I'm really unattractive and had no other options or that I'd made a horrible mistake and we were actually meant to be together after all. I went on a date this week, expecting nothing as I didn't want to be disappointed after another chemistry-free date. It went very well and I ended up going home with him...normally I would prefer to get to know someone a bit better before getting to that stage, get an idea of their past, etc. but I think after almost a year of no sexual activity and not having even kissed anyone, it was a relief for me to see that my sex drive was still there and I was capable of being attracted to someone and him to me.

So here's the issue...we didn't have sex but we fooled around a lot and I did give him oral...while he didn't finish in my mouth, I tasted semen and he came right after that, so I may have ended up with some in my mouth. He was also biting my nipples and after multiple drinks for both of us, things got a bit rough. I didn't notice at the time but the next morning in the shower, I realised that the skin on my left nipple had been broken and was very raw. I'm a little paranoid now...some googling has told me these things are fairly low-risk activities for HIV and other STIs but not no risk. I will try to get checked out in a few weeks, but right now I'm trying to get my head together regarding balancing being safe and having fun. My previous sexual health anxiety took all the fun and spontaneity out of encounters and was one of the reasons my last relationship broke down. It felt amazing to just enjoy the sexual experience I had this week and concentrate on how pleasurable it was but now all these doubts and worries are niggling me. I was wondering if anyone had the same issues as me and/or had any advice about how to deal with being a single person who wants to have casual or fairly casual sex, or short-term relationships but who is very worried about sexual health.
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