Lovely Little Owl (lovelylittleowl) wrote in vaginapagina,
Lovely Little Owl

The feeling of being aroused scares me

I consider myself to be a fairly sexual-thinking person, however due to varying degrees of pelvic pain and gynae issues since my early teens (and lack of opportunity) I've never had any sexual experiences. Several months ago after a recent flare-up I was finally referred to a gynaecologist and told I likely have vulvodynia (more specifically clitoradynia) and lichen sclerosis. I am now, rather annoyingly, in a place where I have developed feelings for one of my best friends and now have a boyfriend who I'm sure would like to have sex soon - as would I, but I can't get past the point of feeling scared any time he touches me.

I want so badly to let myself enjoy this but as it was all so unexpected and I wasn't prepared to face being in a relationship just yet, I find myself panicking over how I am going to approach this. I would absolutely love to have sex with him, but I have such a deep-rooted fear over letting him know I have never had sex before, and so much anxiety over the potential pain it may cause, plus insecurities over my body that I really do not know what to do.

I purchased some vaginal dilators online which I think could be of some help, but haven't found the courage to try them yet. I know I am only getting myself wound up by only thinking of how much it may hurt or the discomfort I may feel, but I don't know a good way to overcome this. Sometimes when we hug or kiss I find myself feeling aroused and it's like my body instantly shuts down and tells me it's a bad thing. The only way I can think to describe it is as if I have a headache in my vagina!

I know if I were to talk to him about it he would most likely be incredibly understanding, as he is really a wonderful guy, but I am also aware that he has sexual needs I may not be able to meet and it is not a conversation I particularly want to have. I think I am still somewhat in denial over my problems, despite experiencing them for over 10 years now. I suppose I had gotten so used to the idea of being single that it has kind of thrown me for a loop and I thought I had more time to overcome this.

I guess I'm just seeking some advice and guidance, and I suppose some reassurance that what I'm feeling is shared by others. Thanks for listening.
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