I want so badly to let myself enjoy this but as it was all so unexpected and I wasn't prepared to face being in a relationship just yet, I find myself panicking over how I am going to approach this. I would absolutely love to have sex with him, but I have such a deep-rooted fear over letting him know I have never had sex before, and so much anxiety over the potential pain it may cause, plus insecurities over my body that I really do not know what to do.
I purchased some vaginal dilators online which I think could be of some help, but haven't found the courage to try them yet. I know I am only getting myself wound up by only thinking of how much it may hurt or the discomfort I may feel, but I don't know a good way to overcome this. Sometimes when we hug or kiss I find myself feeling aroused and it's like my body instantly shuts down and tells me it's a bad thing. The only way I can think to describe it is as if I have a headache in my vagina!
I know if I were to talk to him about it he would most likely be incredibly understanding, as he is really a wonderful guy, but I am also aware that he has sexual needs I may not be able to meet and it is not a conversation I particularly want to have. I think I am still somewhat in denial over my problems, despite experiencing them for over 10 years now. I suppose I had gotten so used to the idea of being single that it has kind of thrown me for a loop and I thought I had more time to overcome this.
I guess I'm just seeking some advice and guidance, and I suppose some reassurance that what I'm feeling is shared by others. Thanks for listening.