tinyroses72 (tinyroses72) wrote in vaginapagina,

feeling guilty about sexual past.

hello all! i've been referred to this lj by a friend who said i could get some great, non-judgmental advice and help from here. I guess in the past few years iv just been really hard on myself about some choices iv made in the past. i'm 19 years old now and have a great boyfriend. but my past was pretty risky- i lost my virginity and was pressured into it when i was about 14. i got a bad reputation by older girls who really bullied me calling me names sl*t wh*re whatever else. then throughout my next two years starting highschool,i slept around and still some people would say really mean things that i took to heart and used to cry myself to sleep over. id be scared to talk to a new guy who i liked because id be nervous that theyd hear who i had slept with in the past and question me on it, which has has happened, and its the worst feeling. "I heard you f*cked him, thats gross" basically just making me feel ashamed about my past. towards the end of my sophmore year in highschool i calmed down and my junior and senior year, and the past two years i am being very responsible and safe and shook my bad rep. I have had sex with about 20-22 different people. Its hard for me to even type, but i know that i need to begin to just accept it and move on. I just feel horrible about myself and that i'm dirty and used up. its also left me with crippling std anxiety, where i basically think every small lump or bump is an std and that my past is catching up to me or something (yes i have been tested for EVERYTHING, i do not have an STD miraculously considering how unsafe i was.) the guy i'm with now loves me to death and doesnt know, or ask or even care about my past but i know that if he knew, hed be disgusted. hes only slept with two girls his entire life. then theres me, who has no self respect whatsoever. only now do i realize my self worth so looking back i am repulsed...some of my friends say hey, iv slept with even more guys, who cares, and others just lost it to their highschool boyfriends recently. i know everyones different and no ones perfect...but i guess i just need some advice on how to move on and stop being so hard on myself.

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