I'm going to give you a bit of background information. I'm not sure how relevant it is, but I'm just so confused about everything, I hope someone can help me sort it out.
I'm 23, cis-female, non-native English speaker (I'll do my best! Please bear with me) and I've had PiV sex with my boyfriend for the first time (my first time and his) a few months ago. We've been doing it again often since then. I've had boyfriends who wanted sex before, but I didn't feel ready for penetrative sex, so the farthest it ever got was fingering. I've never been pressured into having any kind of sex, or if I ever was, I didn't consciously realize it.
At some point, I wondered if I was asexual, you know, not wanting to have penetrative sex even though I was 20-something. I almost decided I was, but at the same time I thought that since I did enjoy clitoral stimulation AND the idea of getting intimate with someone, it had to be something else, and I thought it was more like fear. I thought I must be afraid of letting someone, you know, stick his penis up there. I kind of wanted to challenge this fear, because I saw it as a hindrance to being normal and I hoped that if I just had sex and enjoyed it, the fear would go away, as I've had no sex-related trauma that I know of.
My current boyfriend has always been very gentle with me and he just kind of eased me into it, asking if I'd be comfortable doing this or that, and I was able to answer honestly and we did only what we were both comfortable with doing. We eventually had PiV sex, after like a couple failed attempts: he tried penetrating me, but it was too painful for me (it felt like I wouldn't open up, even though I wanted to and was trying to relax) and I had to tell him to stop, but the third (?) time I really wanted to do it anyway so I tried massaging my clitoris while he was getting in, to help me relax and not think about the pain, and it worked. After some time, the pain went away and the rest went out reasonably smoothly, except that I didn't feel much pleasure. I've always had a hard time feeling pleasure from my vagina (For masturbation, I always use my clitoris, not my vagina), and, well, it was my first time, so I thought it was normal and that next time would be better.
The problem is, we've had sex over a dozen times now (didn't keep count) and it didn't get better, it's always the same. We've tried having more foreplay (he often gives me oral sex), but that didn't do much good. He knows that the beginning is still painful for me, and he probably realizes that I'm not getting much pleasure from it, because he sometimes offers to finger me (my clitoris) afterwards so that I get to come too. Sometimes I feel like it, sometimes not.
I enjoy the experience less and less. I'm thinking that there has to be something wrong, either with me or with the way we're doing it. Lately, there have been times when I simply didn't want sex, or I wanted sex but no PiV, and I said so, and there hasn't been any problem. There have also been times when I was willing to give it a try, and we did, but I think that it's more and more like "I'm willing to do it if you want to" as opposed to "I actively want to do it". What I do want is to be intimate with him, because I love him, but as I grow more and more uncomfortable with penetrative sex (and I'm thinking about stopping having it altogether), I also find myself being more and more uncomfortable about any kind of sex or intimate play (I used to love being touched and teased and played with, and I find that this is less and less the case), meaning that a part of me wants to get intimate with him and the other part doesn't. I'm also getting thoughts like "Maybe I AM asexual after all," and I think it would made matters much simpler if I was, but I don't think I am because as I said, I used to like getting intimate with partners.
I really need to talk to him about this. Last time, I kind of felt like having sex (in the weird hope that perhaps the umpteenth time would be the right one and I'd finally enjoy it - this is what makes me want to do it in spite of all the not-so-good experiences) so we did, but doing it brought up all the confusion in my mind (everything I've said in this post and possibly more) and I was near crying. I just wished it was over, but I was unable to say anything about it to him, or tell him to stop, so I did my best to hide the issue, and it was a very stupid thing to do but it was really all I could do. I had wanted to ask this community for help for weeks, but I was very busy with university stuff so I put it off - but after that last time, I know that I can't put it off any longer. I've decided that I'm probably not having sex anymore until I get all these confused thoughts in order. Just so it's clear, I don't think there have been consent issues between us until that last time when there probably was a problem. I should have told him that I had a problem, and I didn't, and he couldn't have known because, well, given the position we were in, he couldn't see my face.
I need advice on both the physical and the psychological aspects of things. I think I shouldn't be having sex until I'm sure I absolutely, positively want to, but I don't know if that will ever happen. I'm unsure if the root of the problem is physical (I can't open up normally and feel pleasure normally because of one or more physical conditions) or psychological (fear, or I'm asexual?). I don't think I have vaginismus because BF always manages to get in, it just takes pain and a little time. Right now, I'm kind of concentrating to find the truth deep inside me or something of that sort, and what comes up is "I just wish sex was completely unimportant and that I didn't have to think about it." I already felt this way before starting to be active with my boyfriend - that is what prompted me to wonder if I was asexual.
(Oh, also: My boyfriend loves me a lot and he's probably depressed and he can get slightly self-destructive at times. I'd feel REALLY bad dumping him, all the more as I love him, even though our relationship is getting really screwed up on my side because of all this. I don't want to end our relationship until I absolutely need it.)
I need to talk to him, but I can't do it if I don't know how I feel in the first place. I'm very confused right now and any advice is welcome. Please don't be mad at me for not being able to speak up about it before, I know I've screwed up badly and part of me can't even believe what a mess I've got myself (and BF) into, but I'm trying to mend things right now, that's why I'm asking for your help.
Thank you in advance. ^^"