countrywoman75 (countrywoman75) wrote in vaginapagina,

Virginity, Desensitizing, and not triggering PTSD

I am a 39 year old woman and I have a difficult question. I was abused as a small child culminating in full penetration and attempted murder. I have never had a sexual encounter since I was 9 years old. I'm just so scared to trust someone. I know I am missing out on an important part of being human and would like to change this. I don't know how to desensitize myself to touch. I can hug close family but a stranger touching me makes me jump out of my skin, can trigger my PTSD. I have talked with my therapist a bit about it and she just gives me deep breathing exercises. How can I date someone and have them do something as simple as hold my hand and I'm sitting there doing deep breathing exercises? ;) In a way I feel like a failure as a woman.

The other thing I don't know is, am I a virgin? My doctor said no, my therapist said yes. It wasn't given, or lost, it was taken by force. I'm confused.
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