aliaswho (aliaswho) wrote in vaginapagina,

Thoughts during sex and exes

I am having some trouble dealing with a current partner and past issues. I'm putting it behind a cut since it deals with jealousy/cheating. I know there are relationship-related communities, but I really feel safe here. If there is a better community, recommend away!

So, I moved to a new place three months ago and started dating a coworker about one month in. I've never dated a coworker before, and I continue to be nervous about that. It was already difficult one day to work the same shift. But he is pretty great - open to new things in bed, likes getting me off, etc., brings flowers, wants to explore things with me, we communicate very well.

I once dated someone whose ex was around beyond my level of comfort and he ended up cheating on me for a year. When I discovered this, I had a physical reaction. I found emails and I couldn't stop reading them. I was upset, mad, frustrated. I ended up masturbating while reading the emails, sort of like if I get stressed when I had a test in college, it would help bring some relief. At that time, "the other woman" was one with large breasts, and I noticed that I spent more time searching for porn featuring women with her body type. This disturbed me for a while, but was a few years ago, and I am not really bothered by it anymore and will watch all sorts of porn. (hooray for porn!)

My new partner's ex girlfriend, whom he was booty-callin before I was in the picture, has come up or around a few times. I found nudes, she knocked on the door the first night we hung out, she returned a key to his place. We have talked about it and he wants to move past it and has moved on from her, wants me, says all the right things. He'll give me time and wants to prove to me that he only wants me.

I have a lot of respect for this man and how he communicates with me. It does seem very fast, though. I have started to see, or think I see, similarities in his character/way of life as the ex who cheated on me. I do not know if it is in my head or if it is my past experience trying to tell me to read the warning signs and get out before we get more involved. I am certain I can talk to him about most of this, but part of me does not want to share anymore right now because I feel like I can't evaluate whether or not I want to continue this relationship.

One issue I am having that I have not brought up with him is the sexual fantasy bit. I really enjoy sex with him but it feels like something is missing. Part of my mental state during sex in the last few years has involved imagining the person I am sleeping with having sex with someone else. I generally do not tell my partners about this, but it gets me off without feeling the need to discuss it afterward. In this case, though, I feel like we are "making love," which absolutely rules, but I am not accessing the same outlet. His ex did not trigger a sexual fantasy within me, but she has such a similar body type to me that I sort of feel disgusted, like he chose me because I look like her? And she was a stripper, so sometimes I don't even feel like I can undress in a sexy manner because I don't want him to associate my actions with that. Does anyone have any experience with this? I do not want to view it as a problem, but I am afraid to bring it up with someone I haven't known very long and whom I need a bit of space from to figure out what I want. How do you know if someone is right for you? I feel naive as heck right now :/

Thank you and I hope this is not too off-topic for vagpag. I really <3 you all.
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