relight_it (relight_it) wrote in vaginapagina,

Concerned about a partner who can be pretty selfish about sex...

Behind a cut, just in case... I'm having some tough times with my partner. Basically, I've noticed a pattern of behavior that concerns me around sex and his tendency to not listen to me when it's not what he wants to hear. About two years ago, we had a couple of incidents. After a long period of no incidents (in which I thought these issues were over), recently we've had three incidents, which I'll recount below, and I'd really appreciate feedback on how to think about his actions and how to handle this in conversation/future sexytimes with him.

Some basic background info: I'm a cis-female, mid-twenties. My partner is cis-male, early thirties. I track my fertility using the fertility awareness method and we use condoms when I'm fertile. We've both been tested for STDs (negative) and have unprotected sex the rest of the month.

The three recent incidents -

- "Really pissed" to skip sex. For the most part, we have really compatible (high) sex drives. In our whole relationship, I've turned him down for sex a single-digit number of times in nearly three years of dating. A few weeks ago, I had a bad UTI and felt completely miserable (as one does...) and said no to sex. He said OK. Later in the evening, he made a jab at me about not having sex. When I asked him about it, he said he was "really pissed" that we didn't have sex and "almost threw a fit." This is about passing on sex once and, not that anybody needs a "good reason" (or any reason! You can just pass!) to pass on sex, but there was no way I wanted it with a severe UTI. I felt stunned and hurt to hear that he was "really pissed." It seemed like a really disproportionate reaction to me, and I said so. Now I feel like if I don't want to have sex in the future, I'll feel pressure (from myself) just knowing that he was really pissed to not have sex one night.

- Skipping a condom. I track my cycle and let him know if we need a condom or not. Sometimes we do need a condom but start without one for a couple minutes. Recently, I said, "We need a condom in a few minutes," and after a few minutes of having sex, I said, "This is a less safe time of the month for me, so we need a condom." "In a few minutes." A few minutes later, "You could call it an unsafe time of the month--" [we need a condom]. He kept going and then came very quickly thereafter, pulling out and ejaculating on my stomach. That wasn't a level of protection (pulling out) that I was comfortable with and he knew it, but was either surprised to find himself coming so early or wanted to have sex without a condom until he came. I don't know which one. But this really upsets me. Because I am not on a hormonal or other long-term birth control (I've tried, believe me, and nothing has worked for me - HBC made me incredibly sick and I had a copper IUD for almost a year and had severe cramps the whole time), we really need to listen to each other to manage basic pregnancy protection. I told him I wasn't happy with that because I'd said we'd needed a condom. But I still feel bad about it. How can I bring this back up productively?

- Painful sex. I've had some pain with sex lately, and I deal with it. But when it's really painful, and it's obviously painful, and I say it's painful (even though I don't say, "No sex, thanks"), I'm disturbed that he still wants to and does have sex with me when it causes me pain and is just very unpleasant for me. Even if he keeps it quite short. If he were in pain, his pain would be a total turnoff for me. I'd just want him to feel better and I definitely wouldn't want him to suffer so I could get off. Is this normal?

We've talked about these issues broadly. I feel like I now have too many recent examples that needed to be discussed specifically. Tips for guiding this conversation are greatly appreciated. I sometimes feel like HE feels like he's entitled to my body and I've said that, too, which was perhaps a graceless way to put it and he became defensive.

There are a lot of positive things about this relationship and I would like it to get better, rather than toss him, but this pattern of behavior - since it's reemerged recently after a long dormant period - is really unnerving and concerning me...

Thanks in advance for any feedback on how to think about this and how to handle it with him. If it's possible to give feedback tonight, that would be wonderful. 
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