Moon (velkoria) wrote in vaginapagina,

Some more gender musings...

Some of you know this quite well but for those that don'0t... I am quite new to the notion of gender and how it's not simply black and white. I still make mistakes and I'm trying to learn more and it's only been recently I came out about my own issues regarding my own gender.

Now, I will not even try and pretend that I have gender identity problems or the likes. I know these are serious issues and I wouldn't even compare myself to those struggling with their identity but I wanted to share some more information I've gathered from studying myself and being open enough to actually let those thoughts come out in writing.

I have always felt like a mistake of nature. Something just never clicked with my being a girl. I always thought that I SHOULD have been born a boy. Oddly enough I am okay with being a woman and consider myself a cis*hetero female. And yet... I still hate the fact I was born a girl. If I could pick I probably (aka FOR SURE) would have gone with boy. I have mostly male friends, I've never gotten along with many girls and recently in reading I realized I tend to not even like books told from the female perspective... even when they play strong women and not damsels in distress I just can't seem to get behind the mind of women in literature/art (or in real life for the most part). Even during sex I've had fantasies of being the guy... That really used to make me feel ashamed of myself. I simply wish I could be a guy but from the get go... I am alright being who I am now and I don't even really find women-looking-folk sexually attractive. But... I just always have this 'regret' that my chromosomes dictated I'd be a girl...

Does anyone else ever feel this way? I don't know how to feel about it all yet... Mostly I am okay with it (I have never ever considered trans since... I don't SEE myself being a guy... just having a guy-oriented brain).
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