naked_beauty_21 (naked_beauty_21) wrote in vaginapagina,

Husband with low sex drive.

Hey pals,

Not directly vagina related but sex related.

My husband and I have been married for 9 months now, he's 22 and I'm 23. We were "sexually active" before getting married but never actually had PIV sex until our wedding night, if that even matters for my dilemma.

When we were like 18 and 19 or so, he made a comment about porn and I said "how do you even know that?" Because my naive self thought my sweet innocent boyfriend never watched porn. We had a huge argument about it because porn is not good for my self esteem. If you like porn, whatever, I don't care, but I don't want porn in my relationship with my husband. I don't need lectures on how porn is perfectly healthy. It isn't for me/my relationships. My husband masturbating to porn is just shy of cheating on me, in my beliefs/opinion/stupid brain. By the end of the conversation he agreed to stop watching it.

About 2ish years ago, I was using his laptop when he was at class and found a bunch of porn in his internet history. Like, literally every night for weeks he was watching porn. I was devastated, because the aforementioned self esteem issues I have, and because he LIED to me, dammit, because he said before that he would stop watching it. He told me he stopped for a while but started watching it again because his college roommates were talking about sex and their sexual conquests all the time and because I wasn't there to have, uh, fun with. I didn't sleep at all that night, and by the next day he said he would stop watching it, again. As far as I know he hasn't watched it since then.

Fast forward to since we've been married, probably 90-95% of the time that we have sex, I initiate it. Usually, he gets in the mood easily and wants to have sex too. A few times he's not been able to get an erection, because he "can't shut his brain off," or because he is stressed with school and stuff. Right now we probably have sex 2-3 times a week. I'd prefer about 5 times, probably.

I was concerned that maybe he is watching porn/masturbating a lot when I'm at work but I asked him and he said he isn't (But he's lied to me about this in the past). I want to check his internet history but I haven't because a) I'm afraid of what I'll find and b) I feel like an overbearing privacy-invader. I tend to believe him, though, because the only time he's alone when I'm not usually is when I leave for work in the mornings. He has about an hour in the morning after I leave before he has to be anywhere and that guy LOVES his sleep. Also he comes home between school and work some days for lunch so that would be a possibility too, but idk.

My biggest issue with this? I want HIM to initiate sex. It makes me feel like he actually WANTS me, not just has sex with me because I want it and I'm offering. The fact that he never initiates makes me think that when I initiate he's just like "oh, I suppose, if she really wants to" in his head. I asked him this and he said "No, it's more like 'oh that's a good idea'". And I also want him to initiate because when I feel wanted I get WAY more turned on than when I initiate, which leads to easier/more intense orgasms for me. I have some difficulty reaching orgasm so that's kind of a big deal. Also, damn, feeling wanted really makes me feel good about myself. When he initiates I feel really sexy. When he doesn't for a long time I wonder if I'm not as appealing to him as I used to be. If that makes sense.

My other (slighter but still important) issue is that if I don't orgasm before he does, he never does anything to try to get me to. Oral after PIV sex grosses him out, even if we use a condom. I rarely orgasm from manual stimulation. I have a vibrator which works pretty well on me, but I have to ask him to use it. Once again, I wish he would just initiate and say "Oh, here, let me finish you off with this vibrator" instead of me being like "Oh, lemme put this vibrator in your hand so you can finish me off." Ya know what I mean?

I've shared all of this with him. I've asked him to initiate sex more often, which he does for like, 2 days and then stops again. I've asked him to finish me off if he orgasms before me, but he "tries" very half-heartedly like he'd rather be scrubbing toilets or something, until I just tell him to stop. When we've talked about this I've been very open and honest and tried to be as non threatening as possible but he still kind of clams up and shuts down and hardly says anything.

Last night he said "I guess I just have a low sex drive." This is confusing to me, because if he had a low sex drive, I would think he would be saying "not tonight, dear" when I start getting flirty or start touching him (He's only been unable to get an erection like twice. Every other time he was game). He seems to be willing when I start stuff. He just never seems to be in the mood on his own, I guess. Which is weird because of all the porn he used to watch. I guess he has more on his plate now, with school and work and his fraternity (fucking stupid fraternity!!!), but when he was masturbating to porn every night he had school and his fraternity. The only added thing is a part time job. And being married now, but Idk if that's an added stress. It isn't for me.

Besides our sex life, we have a freaking awesome relationship. We've been together for 5 years and we're seriously best friends. We get along really well and are really good communicators when it comes to arguments or whatever. It's not like this sex issue is a deal breaker for me, I would stay married to him even if we never ever had sex again. That would be seriously heartbreaking but that's how much I love the guy!

SO shit. Anyone have any ideas for me?
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