I've been struggling a lot with something that happened a few months ago after a night out with friends. I've been struggling with the fact that I don't know if it was rape or not and it's causing me to keep replaying it trying to make sense of it.
I went out with my friend A one night and we split a pitcher of sangria at a restaurant, while we waited for another friend (Friend B) to join us before going to a few bars. As the night progressed, Friend A eventually left to go home. And I eventually ended up back at my own apartment – with friend B who apparently had to take me home.
I remember being at the bar, I remember friend A leaving to go home, I remember forgetting that friend A was no longer at the bar, I remember getting free drinks from the bartender at the last bar we were were at. I remember eventually passing my drink off to friend B, unable to drink anymore. I remember somehow standing outside as if I had teleported from my seat at the bar to the sidewalk. I remember suddenly vomiting on said sidewalk. Then, I remember a lot less: 1)I vaguely remember being in a cab and falling asleep
2) Standing in my bedroom putting on my pajamas, marvelling at friend B that he had actually brought me to my apartment and being grateful.
3) crawling into bed and going to sleep with my friend also sleeping in my bed.
4) drunkenly regaining consciousness to Friend B performing a sexual act on me, while I was partially unclothed.
5) regaining a more sober consciousness in the middle of friend B having sex with me, being confused by it, and deciding to fake an orgasm in hopes that would speed it up and it would be over so I could get back to sleep.
6) waking up naked the next morning next to my friend, getting ready in the fastest amount of time ever (less than 10 minutes), bolting out the door on my way to my early morning psychiatry appointment – still drunk.
While Friend B was also drunk that night, he remembered the night and told me that we went to sleep and a few hours later woke up at the same time and then I initiated it. He also said he didn't realize that I was still drunk at that point.
So the problem is I don't know how the sex began,and for all I know I was totally complicit and saying yes and it was just blackout sex. The whole thing is slightly complicated by the fact that I was raped a few years ago and I'm worried that this is triggering old feelings and coloring my judgment.