Moon (velkoria) wrote in vaginapagina,

Have you ever... (mention of sexual abuse and rape!)

I think many you know me from many years of posting here (and freaking out over nothing a lot too) but just in case someone doesn't... here's some background info. 

I am a 25 year old cis female in a monogamous relationship of a couple of years. I suffer from extreme anxiety and have recently been diagnosed with AS (Asperger's Syndrome). I have been a victim of both rape and sexual abuse in the past... These things together have made me very weary of sexual relationships. Because of my AS I have issues with touching and the thought of PIV while alluring can actually make me queezy in certain contexts (i.e.: I have issues with feeling 'full' and swelling so if I am not in the right mood I actually dread PIV as much as I dread inserting a tampon). 

That being said I am in a healthy relationship with a man who respects my wishes and understands that "no" doesn't mean "I don't find you attractive" or "you bore me" or "I say no but I really mean yes". No, means no in our relationship. Buuuut if it were up to me we'd never have PIV sex (what we enjoy doing) or even oral sex almost... at all. I can live perfectly fine without having sex for months (and years) at a time. He, however, doesn't have my issues and does crave sex more often. This is fine by me because he never forces me... he offers and I am allowed to turn down. I, however, don't always do that. Sometimes I say "yes" even though I don't truly feel like having sex. Thing is... even though I might not want it or even necessarily enjoy it at first (not because it hurts but it's kind of like watching the Jersey Shore for me... It won't make me want to kill myself or my brain bleed but... it's simply 'meh'.) I love him and I want to express so physically and also because I want to help him achieve orgasm with me... It's a bonding thing. Now MOST of the times I do this I end up enjoying it very much and I orgasm often. I do not feel horrible afterward but it's not a NEED for me. 

Is this... alright? Do you superstars ever do something like this? Have sex even though you could simply do without it? Again, he NEVER forces me or makes me feel guilty. We have a relationship that is honest enough so I can feel comfortable telling him to watch some porn and masturbate and he is a-ok with it but... I know that is not really the same as well actually being with the person you love. 

So, does this happen to anyone else? Or am I all alone on my little island?

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