me llamo muy loco (they call me very crazy) (mellamomuyloco) wrote in vaginapagina,
me llamo muy loco (they call me very crazy)

tangled up in body image issues

Hey there, superstars! I've been lurking here for donkey's years, and finally plucking up the nerve to post - and I hope this is an appropriate place for my word vomit.

(cut for possible triggers - discussing weight loss, body image, possible gender identity issues)

Okay, y'all. This is my first time posting here, and I'm got some questions all over the board - though I promise they're all related. I've put on 30 pounds in the past year or two, and I'm trying to figure out a healthy way to deal with it. (For reference, I'm 22 y/o and a whopping 5'2". I held steady at 105 until my first attempt at college, dropped to 90 after a disastrous semester on Adderall, built back up to around 115 or 120, and felt healthy for the first time in my life. Now I'm trying to go back to school and hovering around 150.)

1.) I've heard the old "your breasts are the last place you gain weight, and the first place you lose it." Is that actually true? I've been an A cup all my life; I don't think I can afford to lose much more!

2.) I had some bloodwork done in November, and was told that my thyroid numbers were a little off and indicated it might be running slow. They want me to get retested three months afterward - so next month, I guess. How do I proceed? Should I make sure to know what the actual numbers are? How do I ask for that? And what should I expect if it turns out I do have hypothyroidism?

3.) This isn't really a question so much as just a call for support, I think? Honestly, I don't necessarily mind the weight in itself, so much as how it's distributed. It's usually always gone to my thighs and butt, so if not for the angry red stretch marks I might not have noticed much of a difference. But this recent gain has given me a tummy that sticks out at least as far as my breasts, if not a little farther. I've actually been mistaken for pregnant once or twice! And really, that's what is kicking me into gear to want this gone. I've always had a serious hang-up about the idea of being pregnant (cool story time: I used to think it was the law to get married and have kids, and thus would pray for God to give my fertility to someone who wanted babies and couldn't have them). Despite my plethora of anxiety issues, I don't want to call this a phobia, because it's not pregnancy itself that scares me - I've always watched my fill of emergency delivery shows with rapt attention, and I'm the oldest of four, so I've seen enough of it in real life - just the idea of me being pregnant, or apparently even someone thinking I am. In fact, I almost want to call it gender dysphoria, just because of how this feels eleventy billion different kinds of wrong to me (and I've been kind of wrestling with my mental identification anyway), but can you have dysphoria about just the internal plumbing but be totally okay with the external?

Also, uh, I guess if anyone has any general weight loss tips, because I wanna make sure I do this a healthy way...? Sorry to make y'all slog through my tl;dr, but any help with any of this would be fabulous. :)

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