yeah as the title says, this is what i have been dealing with.
my boyfriend and i began having sex about a year ago, PIV nothing fancy, it was never frequent but we at least did it a few times a month. after a while due to time constraints and the fact that i moved into a Shared house, we only did it once a month or so. but it was still fine each time in fact it was really good although i don't think i have ever orgasmed) i don't know what orgasm actually feels like).
the last time it was enjoyable was in september.
after that it's been painful everytime. i have poured lube directly into my vagina hole and it doesnt help. and over time i have now developed an anticipatory anxiety and fear of sex. it's gotten to the point where i cry in bed after we attempt to do it, this is a combination of the pain and embarrassment and the fact that i can't be a 'normal' GF for him and fufill his needs.
in addition my sex drive has completely vanished. zilch, nada. i don't even get hornyness during my period any more. i have never been a person with much of a sex drive but i always got period horniness which assured me that i at least had some feels down there. but that's gone now i haven't felt it in months.
boyfriend has been really understanding all throughout our relationship. i have a lot of problems in general and i didn't have a boyfriend and was never with anyone until i was 24 (him). so it was really difficult to do things like getting naked and having sex. there were many days where his penis wouldn't go in, he'd say things like it's alright, just relax, it's normal, etc.
the last two times we've tried sex, due to the pain and fear, i have cried. first time he was supportive but then the next time which was a couple days ago, he was visibly irritated by my ongoing inability to have sex. he says that he wants me to act interested. i've already previously explained to him, that my sex issues have absolutely nothing to do with atraction as i find him absolutely gorgeous. i tried to explain, why i can't seem tomake myself act interested because i am afraid and anticipating the pain. i still don't think he understands. i cried for two hours and couldn't stop. then i got up and tried to do something else to get my mind off, but he pulled me back into bed to cuddle and i cried more.
basically this is one thing that is going to ruin our relationship. (the rest of it is due to my emotional issues getting worse but that's another story#)
i don't know why this is happening. i am on birth control (microgynon aka alesse) but it was fine for the first 8-9 months. also to be honest he has a large penis as far as i know, but i don't get why that would be an issue considering it was fine for the first couple months of sex.
i am going into a clinic on tuesday to have my birth control changed, coult that possibly help? and i also have a therapy consultation on 19th of february due to the fact that i seem to be breaking down mentally in many ways since september. i dont know if i want to discuss my sexual life there though.
i am afraid, i have always suspected myself as being asexual but when i got with my BF i thought that was no longer true, but now...? i want to have sex and enjoy it, what if i can't do that?
anyway folks i don't know why i am posting this i guess i am just looking for some form of empathy or support. i don't know where to turn.