bomb dot com (glass_houses) wrote in vaginapagina,
bomb dot com
glass_houses
vaginapagina

Searching for answers no one seems to have, and new hindrances

This post is a follow up to past entries.

Triggery.

A few weeks ago I bought a glass dildo. I used it on myself and it hurt; the rings caught on the walls of my vagina. I'm so disappointed because I don't know if I'll ever use it, waste of money.

Very recently I began to think about the times in the past that I had been taken advantage of sexually, both physical or emotional. When I was 6 or 7 there was an man in my neighborhood who had a cute dog (I LOVE dogs) and he took me deep into the woods across from my house. I remember telling my parents after I got home that we had taken a walk (nothing had happened) but they were panic-stricken. I remember sitting on the couch in the living room, my then 2 year old sister sitting on my mom's lap, as my parents explained to me to not to talk to strangers. This was the first time I felt extreme guilt and shame. I didn't think about this again until during a mental crisis at college my parents and psychiatrist and I met and my parents told him I had told them that the man had urinated in front of me. I screamed and flipped out. It was devastating to me, and I felt so mortified and ashamed.

When I was 16 an older man I had befriended at work told me he could see my underwear and asked me things in detail about them. At the time, as a very overweight teenager, I loved the attention from someone. When I remembered it while trying to have sex with my boyfriend, I fell apart and told him about it.

Three and a half years ago, a month after I got out of my first psychiatric hospital stay, I was coerced into getting very drunk and three of my friends took advantage of me sexually, even though I said "stop" several times. I was tricked; one of my friends knew I was into her and she forced me to do things, even though she knew I had a boyfriend. No penetration or oral sex happened, but many other things did between all of them, and it embarrasses me very much even now to say that while I was lying down on the bed the man came up behind my head, dropped his testicles onto my forehead and took a picture. I immediately raced home and told my boyfriend. I thought he was going to leave me, but we're still together.

Anyway, I got my yearly Pap on Wednesday. I was very nervous because they always hurt. I had told him about the pain I have been experiencing with penetration and he used the tiniest speculum ever. That was fine but when he used the brush, I cried, and the assistant immediately grabbed my hand and consoled me. It felt like a knife was repeatedly raking over my cervix. He was alarmed and told me I had the most sensitive cervix he'd ever seen. I told him about the IUD insertion, the pain with thrusting during intercourse and that I always bleed afterward, and the spasms I felt even before sex. He felt around inside and asked me if it hurt or was uncomfortable and a couple of times it was uncomfortable, but generally not painful or anything. I told him how my boyfriend has a large penis, at least for me (I have one to compare it to and therefore I think he's massive) and my gyno made a joke and said how lucky I was. I was flabbergasted and snapped at him how NO, I AM NOT LUCKY. He said I had mild vaginismus and a super-sensitive cervix but nothing was physically wrong with me, and I should talk to my therapist. I left the office dissatisfied, and the next day at work I was weepy and on the verge of a panic attack all day, but I couldn't tell anyone why. I bled after the Pap and still was bleeding, a little. His "joke" stuck with me. He's a kind man but he definitely was not thinking when he said it.

I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday (I don't see my therapist until Tuesday afternoon and while he tried to help, there wasn't much he could do except say the same things everyone else I had asked told me: not enough foreplay, try lubricant, there are other satisfying things we can do together that doesn't involve penetration, etc. but I know that. He said none of my medications should be causing any problems. He did suggest I try to find a gynecologist or another doctor that specializes in painful intercourse and other issues.

I'm getting desperate. Please, halp.
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