missunselfish (missunselfish) wrote in vaginapagina,

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Unselfish to the core or something else?

Ok, so most-likely I need a psychologist, but I am having a sexual issue. Since I have been sexually active (over 15 years), there has never been a time where I personally enjoyed the feeling of sex. Don't get me wrong, I've had sex many many times in many ways with a number of partners, and yes I've had many orgasms, but what I mean by that is that I really only can enjoy sex if I know 100% that my partner is enjoying it. Ok so I know this doesn't sound odd, but I actually do not, nor have I ever enjoyed having my partner touch me down there and especially I do not like my partner going down on me. I don't like anal sex at all, and frankly vaginal sex isn't that great either, however if I can focus on my partner's enjoyment, then I can trick myself into liking the feeling. But it's all mental I only get very small physical satisfaction from any of it of course, my orgasms feel great.

I am just starting to think there might be something wrong with me. I have no idea what feels good to me for just me. I have no idea how to enjoy just pleasing me. I NEVER want my partner to focus on giving me pleasure cause that doesn't give me any. I only want to make him feel good, focusing on me does nothing for me. 

This must make my partner feel awful. He can never physically do anything to please me except letting me please him? This is the love of my life and I want him to feel good about what he does for me, but there is nothing he can do. He's tried so many ways and the only way I can get into it or start to feel good is by doing something to him. This isn't normal. I hear so many women talk about how they tell their partner what to do to make the sex feel better, or that they enjoy doing something for their partner cause it means they'll get something in return. That doesn't ever cross my mind. I don't know what to do? Maybe therapy is in my future. 

I was sexually abused many times as a child and so maybe therapy is a necessity, I've been trying to avoid it. I think I may have learned this state of mind as a girl from my abusers, being that I was only a tool for their sexual pleasure. I HATE that this might be the case!! I hate to think that the men who molested me have any affect on my life. 

Is there anyone out there that has this problem? I need some tips here. How do I change an entire state of mind??? Help!
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