You've Got Sucker's Luck (pretiossissime) wrote in vaginapagina,
You've Got Sucker's Luck

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The Definition of Someone

I know there’s no requirement of anyone to have a specific label put on themselves, and most people tend not to want to be clumped together. “I’m a boy, I’m a girl, I’m straight, I’m bisexual, I’m whatever comes to mind…” But in the past while, I’ve come to sort of… want something to call myself.

I’m biologically female, but recently I’ve started feeling more and more less like a ‘girl.’ I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which in my case, means more body hair, no menstruation, and a hormone imbalance. That’s not the only reason I feel the way I do, but I’m sure it plays some part. I took generic birth control as a hormone adjustment, but it gave me worse periods than even my normal ones, back when I had them. I quit taking it after a year or so, and don't really want to continue.

I stopped feeling like a ‘girl’ when I was in high school, and I slowly began to work my way into being more or less gender fluid. I got mistaken for male on several occasions, but it never really bothered me. I don’t exactly want to be male, specifically, I just don’t feel like I’m female. I've not asked people to change the way they talk to me; I'm still 'she' and 'her,' but I'm not really as concerned with pronouns as my FtM friend who's still transitioning.

I guess what I’m really trying to get at is that ‘genderqueer’ isn’t really… what I hoped it would be. It's the best one that fits, but it still rubs me the wrong way. 'Gender fluid' isn't exactly that, either... and 'genderless' implies a lack of something, even though I feel like I have too much of whatever this is.

I’ve done research and tried different ideas, picked them apart and wondered what they meant to me. I went down the list of categories and threw out ones that didn't fit, and tried to mold ones that did, but I was just left empty-handed.

I read Kate Bornstein’s ‘My Gender Workbook,’ (which is awesome and I think everyone should at least consider reading it) but then I just ended up questioning myself even more, and changing the answers to the questions I already had, which made them change into something else entirely… And I’m still at a loss.

I want something solid, something someone can understand without an explanation. I know that’s asking a bit more than some of society feels is appropriate, but… I don’t know.

TL;DR: OP is confused and actually wants a label, but doesn’t know if any fit her anyway.
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