Hello, lovely people of VP. I've been lurking for a while and decided that this is probably a great place to finally get this off my chest and maybe also get some answers/advice/stories of similar experiences.
Background facts that may or may not apply: I'm a nineteen year old gay cis female. I've had some sexual experience but my pants have always stayed on, so I consider myself "mostly a virgin". I know I'm kinky but I've had very little opportunity to explore this. As far as I know, I have no history of sexual assault or abuse.
For a long time, I've had some kind of panicky anxiety about sex that I don't really know how to describe too well. I guess you could say that I'm terrified of something happening that I'm not ready for or not in control of. This extends to anything happening with my body or genitals, including medical situations. The idea of having a pelvic exam (which, luckily, I don't need to have for a while - Canada says age 21 now) makes me panic. Thinking about it, I feel helpless and not at all okay with a doctor being down there. No amount of guides or walk-throughs I've found online have helped, but I know exams are important so I'd like to get a handle on this.
Also, for as long as I can remember, any kind of nipple stimulation, whether from myself or someone else, usually feels really great but after a short tie (sometimes seconds, sometimes a few minutes) makes me incredibly panicky and sick to my stomach. The one time it's been another person touching me and I had to tell them to stop, I couldn't stop shaking afterwards. This really confuses me, because I can't think of any reason for it. I like boobs, and I like my boobs, and I'd like for them to be able to get in on the fun sometime.
On a nicer note, I do have a girlfriend who's 3500 miles away in Scotland. I'm going to see her in October (eeeeeeee!) and I'm actually quite excited to be able to have sex with her, so I know it's possible for me to be calm about it. She's a lot more experienced than me, and she and I have talked about this so I know she understands and I trust her to let me be in control and take it slow.
Okay, so. What's going on? Why do I get so panicky about it? Is it just some kind of very overzealous fear of sexual assault? I've heard of people being abused and then repressing the memory... is that possible and would it cause the things I'm talking about? I kind of feel like I'm making a big issue out of nothing, but it's really bothering me and I figured, if anywhere, here is the place to go, because you people are awesome.
Sorry for the super-long post.