anyway. my story: i'm twenty years old, and two years ago when i was eighteen i was working as a live-in nanny in lyon, france, i was walking back home alone from a night out when someone tried to sexually assault me. i was drunk and alone and i had missed the last tram but i needed to get back to the house where i worked/lived, so i just decided to walk down the tram tracks as they led directly back to the house. i was walking alone when i felt a man behind me getting closer so pulled out my phone and pretended to text someone. he came up behind me, threw my phone to the floor and dragged me to the side of the tracks where there were some overgrown bushes where no one would have been able to see us. he covered my mouth but i still told him to let go. i thrashed and fought, and he put his hand down my pants and it was at that moment that he stopped - and he let me go.
i still dont understand how or why he did that but i thank all the stars that he did, otherwise something much worse would have happened. as soon as he let go i stumbled back and got my phone and continued on my way. i burst out crying and there i met a guy who asked what happened and walked me back home, and i still keep in touch with him to this day.
at the time, i'd just left high school. i was alone in a country where i had no family and no close friends and i told maybe about three people at the time, which i instantly regretted. i also told one or two friends back home (not my family - i still haven't told my father or my sister) and one acted as if nothing particularly bad had happened because i hadn't actually been raped. i still resent her for it.
anyway. that was my first sexual encounter with a man and it has marked me since, it seems. i feel sick if i stay too close to a strange man for too long, or if he leers at me, or if he touches me for too long. i was just in close contact with a man for several minutes and it made my stomach turn. i wanted to cry. i didn't know why i was feeling this way because it had happened so long ago and i thought that i would get over in time. i've had a boyfriend and other one night stands but sex feels unfulfilling and uncomfortable because it's like i'm not there, like i am outside my body looking back in.
I don't really know what to do about this situation. i don't feel like i can talk to many of my friends about it because i dont know if they would take it seriously or not. i feel like i should go to a counsellor, but i don't know if i should just go to an ordinary one or someone that deals specifically with this kind of problem. i thought that i had gotten over it but obviously not, since being around men still makes me feel so ill at ease.
in the past i've had problems with depression and i've been taking medication for it since november but i'm slowly coming off. i just know that i need to deal with this problem otherwise it will never go away and i might never have a loving, fulfilling romantic or sexual relationship with another man or woman. i just hope that someone can suggest something to do, or be supportive, because it seems that in real life i don't have many people i can actually confide in.
thanks for reading, guys.