The first time - and last time - I saw an OBGYN was when I was in an abusive relationship. I'd been raped by my partner the night before and was swollen and bleeding. The doc lectured me for about 20 minutes about how I made her job harder by partaking in "rough seX" the night before and whatever pain I experienced in the exam was my own doing.
That was five, almost six years ago, when I was at college.
After that, when I moved back to where I grew up and had my childhood GP, I went to her. After I cried through my first exam - from distress, not pain - she stopped telling me I really should see an OBGYN. I clearly couldn't cope with it at all.
(Note: I'm also trans, though pre-hormones. There's a bit of an added distress level on top of trauma.)
I moved a year and a half ago and, though sexually active, have seen no OBGYN. This autumn, I was experiencing kidney infection and pain and was prescribed a transvaginal ultrasound by my GP. Again, I wept through the entire thing. (The doctor/technician just asked if I was a virgin and then jammed the thing up there. I also cried all the way home because I could not deal with that. Remembering it has me in tears.)
My insurance is coming to an end soon. I know I should see an OBGYN soon, but the entire idea scares me. It took me years (see: nearly six) to get to be okay with having sex with partners. I'm still not okay at all with docs, especially when they can act like the ultrasound tech did - just jamming shit up there and not caring when I'm completely weeping. (If I'm weeping, I really need whatever is happening to end immediately.)
Does anyone have any advice on this? I know it's something I *should* be doing, but I have limited ability to willingly subject myself to that kind of trauma repeatedly. I literally have had 0 decent experiences, barring my old GP who's 350 miles away.