kiki (kikai_saigono) wrote in vaginapagina,

I just want to know if it's me.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years now, and I can say that I am 110% head over heels in love with him. But I have an issue... I have developed some fairly terrible self esteem problems since gaining some weight due to a lot of things. I have stretch marks that make me feel uncomfortable naked. (But I'm starting to lose weight again!)

My boyfriend insists that I am beautiful and perfect and I do want to believe him but it as been hard the past year and half because we BARELY have sex anymore. Given I am 19 and want sex quite a lot, but he is 23 and still in what I'm told is the "young and horny" years of a guys life. But he just doesn't want to have sex but perhaps once a month. I try to do everything I can think of -- try to get him off with my hands or wear sexy clothes/lingerie, or whisper sexy things in his ear through out the day, but he just doesn't seem interested. If anything, he seems to be annoyed when I do these things. He tells me he "always wants to, but just can't", but he won't elaborate on what is bothering him/keeping him from doing it.

I've tried having very kind and non-judgmental conversations about it with him. I'm not mad at him in any way shape or form, and I want him to know that! I just want to know if there is something going on and if I can do anything, anything at all to help him. I want to know if it's a medical issue, but he seems very embarrassed when I bring it up and the conversations pretty much end there. Now I'm starting to wonder if it's me. I want to know if I'm not attractive enough to him anymore?

It's been hurting me a lot, especially after I found his stash of porn saved on his computer by accident. It makes me wonder why he is getting off to porn when we are hardly having sex at all? :( What should I do? How can I try talking to him about it with out him getting angry and dismissing the topic?

I'm sorry for the super long post, I tend to ramble. :(
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