swirvel42 (swirvel42) wrote in vaginapagina,

I don't know what to put here

Hi everyone! I'm new here, posted an intro under the intro post. 

Anyway, as I was reading through the rules and such, I got towards the end and something in there just triggered a memory of something that happened many years ago. (The part about how it can be the reaction of the first person you tell that can determine how you handle/get over/appropriate word here assault. I seriously burst into tears.) Right now I just need to get it out, and even though I've talked to my husband and most of my friends about it, I feel like I sound like a broken record whenever I do bring it up.

Back when I was in college I met this guy through a bunch of people in the LARP group I was in. We became what I had considered at the time to be really good friends. I developed a bit of a crush on him and we started having sex. Of course he would never date me, and I was rather like a dirty little secret, and he was kind of an asshole, but for the most part that didn't bother me. The sex was good, and he was fun to hang out with.

Then I go home for the summer and we don't see each other, but we talked occasionally via phone. Over the summer I decided that I wasn't going to have sex with anyone unless I was in a relationship with them, because I was tired of one night stands and random hookups, etc. I told him this over the phone and he told me something about how this was a lie and I wouldn't stick with it or some such. I reminded firm and absolute in my decision.

Upon returning to college I invited him over, because I considered him one of my best friends. We were watching a movie with my roommates and a few other people, and I was sitting on his lap and he kept trying to feel me up. Rolling my eyes and joking about it, I kept putting his hands down and saying "no." He stopped and went home after the movie or some such.

Cue the next time he comes over. We were alone, and I was adamant that I was not going to have sex with him. I did not even want to make out with him, my body did though. He kept kissing me, and pawing at me, and I kept telling him no. His hands were all over me, and I continued to tell him no, but my body's reaction made it breathy. So he mocked me. Tried to take my pants off. When I wouldn't let him he stood up and grabbed my wrists and tried to drag me into the bathroom. At that point I fought. I dropped my weight and pulled against him. I could have screamed and woken up my roommates, but I didn't. Then he stopped. Let me go, and decided to leave. I walked him out of the building and tried to be playful and silly, but he ignored me. I hadn't even realized what had just happened.

It was weeks later that it hit me. I broke down and told my now husband over AIM, because I didn't feel like I had anyone else I could talk to. He completely blew it off. He said it wasn't a big deal. I remember I was shaking and felt sick and I was in hysterical tears. I was yelling at him over AIM telling him that this WAS a big deal. I managed to convince myself that he had tried to rape me, and that he would have if my roommates hadn't been home. I posted about it in my LJ (the entry is still there). No one seemed to believe me or care. Everyone thought this guy was awesome.

My husband was friends with him for a long time, even after we were together. I had to stomach being around this guy. Everyone I knew wanted to hang out with him. He denied that anything happened.

It's been 7 or 8 years since it happened. My husband doesn't talk to him anymore and they're not friends, but not because of what he did to me. He's stopped being friends because my husband had a crush on me and this guy new it, and still he was having sex with me while saying "bro's before ho's."

I've confronted him on it, and he said he never tried to rape me. Maybe not, but it was definitely assault. And I still hurt. I'm more hurt about the aftermath. About how I was completely blown off, by everyone. Including someone who REALLY WAS my best friend. How I still feel that way about it.

Now I have very deep seeded fears that if I ever tell someone no, that they won't stop. That they won't listen, and I will be ignored. I  feel like I have so many issues about sex, and I'm wondering if more than a few of them are because of this.

And now I'm having a total breakdown, because it still hurts that much.
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