I'm not quite sure where to start, so I will give a quick rundown. I was in a committed relationship with woman for five years. She was the first person I was ever with sexually in any way. We broke up about six months ago, but continued to be on and off. I have always ID'd as bi, simply because I felt like that's what fit, but I never had any experience with men beyond a pop kiss. Last week, my ex-GF told me there was no future for us, wouldn't be, etc.
That's kind of where the trouble started. An old male friend came into town midweek last week. I knew he was interested in me and I stupidly was forcing myself to be interested in him. I wasn't truly feeling anything for him, but I have been so sick of people telling me I either need to date men, or get over my ex, or just move on, so I thought that doing things with the old friend might make things a little clearer for me. I also knew it would bother my ex, and I was clearly being extremely petty.
We hooked up on Friday night and it was the worst experience of my life. I was not attracted to him, but was so uncomfortable I didn't know how to end everything once it started. He did some things to me, but was mostly interested in me getting him off. IE: pushing my head down to his penis, etc. I wasn't turned on, couldn't get wet, etc., but again, I wasn't quite sure how to just stop in the middle of things. He asked me to give him oral sex, I said no, he kept asking and eventually I started but stopped because I really didn't want to do it. He then said he wanted to rub against my clit, and I agreed, but told him I was not interested in having sex. I made this clear and said it firmly. The next fifteen minutes after that consisted of me having to physically push him off of me as he tried to penetrate me and I told him no. I was so disgusted and angry and I finally yelled and asked him if he was planning on doing something I clearly DID NOT want to do. He said no, stopped, and I (willingly) helped get him off with my hand.
I would never call what happened assault, because I would never want to trivialize anyone else's experiences, but I'm so overwhelmingly upset and distraught over what happened. I realize now, that I'm really not bi. I used that label more for other people, but after that situation I know I'm really not sexually attracted to men. That is one of my upsetting aspects. The other is the thought that had I not physically stopped him, he would have ignored my verbal requests. I'm so shocked and offended and upset that he would do that and that I was so stupid to keep doing things I wasn't comfortable with. I'm also stressing because of STD or pregnancy. I'm a logical person, I know he didn't ejaculate anywhere near me, and I'm on birthcontrol.. but for some reason the situation is stressing. I should have nothing to worry about in that respect, right? Also, I really want to get an STD test now. Is there a time limit you have or should wait for when you had sexual contact?
Thank you so much for any advice or thoughts, VPers. I have no one to talk to about this. All my friends and family love this man, and I feel like I can't tell them everything that happened. The only person who knows is my exgirlfriend, who is now so disgusted with me she said (even though she now is saying she was considering us getting back together) she could never be with again after I had been with him. So I'm not getting a lot of support from there either.