Rebeccagrace (rebeccagrace) wrote in vaginapagina,

Infertility and depression

Hello VPers,

I am feeling awful today, and I need to get some support, please?

A little backstory: My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for seven years now, with no results. I've tried IUI, many, MANY painful procedures and tests, a surgery, and lots of fertility meds, including giving myself shots in the stomach. Problem is, nothing's worked. I really want to try IVF, but with the costs so high and my husband in school and unemployed at the moment this is just impossible. Lately I've had two close friends give birth, and one friend who is 46 has just found out that she is pregnant after many years of trying as well. She has PCOS, which I have as well. For personal reasons we aren't ready or able to pursue adoption yet, although that is a possibility for the future. Some days I have a really, really hard time with dealing with this, so if you don't mind I will c&p a journal entry that I made today in my personal journal. Just so you know, Trevor is my hubby, and we had recently picked out a surrogate who backed out at the last minute, adding to my depression. So here is the entry:

I'm having a really tough time of it lately...and I feel as if I want to give up. Just give up and never have to deal with this pain again. I sounds so emo, and I'm usually not the type. But I think my depression is eating away at my life. Infertility is a huge bitch that is mean to me, and I just want to cry and cry and never stop. I've called some therapists and am waiting for some calls back. I hope they call today because I feel something very bad will happen if I don't get help soon. It's been, so so bad lately, with all my friends getting pregnant, and our surrogate backing out at the last minute, and Trevor is just NOT understanding. He says things like, "Just stop thinking about it!" and "Your stress is what's keeping us from conceiving!" and "Can you just stop worrying about it?" I know he tries to help and he's frustrated that he can't, but it's NOT helping. Especially since he says "Well maybe we just aren't meant to have kids!" Oh God...I don't even know what to do anymore, but my meds are not working and I'm quickly spiraling downhill. I need help! I want someone to explain to Trevor why what he says doesn't help me, and why what I say doesn't make sense to him. I need to not look at my pill bottle on the worst days and wonder, "What if?" Would it take away all the pain and grief? I don't know...I don't want to, of course, but some days I feel so helpless and sad that it scares me that I might do something stupid. I need help and I want to feel good again. I'm not like this everyday, but the days that I am are getting more and more frequent, and that concerns me. If you read this, please, please send good thoughts and prayers my way. Ok? Cause I really, really need them and I do feel so alone. 

Anyway, I'm feeling quite badly and I need, encouragement...something. Please?

Thank you all.
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