α мεss σf α ∂яεαмεя (jessikahx) wrote in vaginapagina,
α мεss σf α ∂яεαмεя

I have body issues-- a lot of them. I still suffer from an eating disorder, especially after gaining fifty pounds due to fibromaylgia pain and medications. I have a hard time having sex, meaning, I'm self-conscious. Really, really self-conscious. So much that unless I'm drunk or high, I don't really enjoy sex. Usually, I humor my husband once a month or so (due to pain, it hurts to do it more than that sober) and have sex anyway.

On the rare occasion I want sex sober, I feel embarrassed to even try to initiate anything, I'm that shy. How can I over come these things? I want to enjoy sex, because I feel that is a part of life that I could be enjoying, but aren't.

The MAIN reason I'm posting is this- My husband came home from his best friend's bachelor party Saturday night totally wasted, which I figured, so that was okay. Once we were going to bed, he asked if we could have sex, and I said, I didn't know, probably not, because I wasn't terribly in the mood. He looks at me and goes, "I read your livejournal. I know you're not attracted to me anymore. I don't make you happy anymore, maybe we should just be done." And I blinked a few times and asked if it was because I didn't like sex and he said yes. He went into the bathroom to finish getting ready for bed, and I just laid in bed and cried. I never said in my LJ that I wasn't attracted to him and I'm still dealing with my grandmother's, who I was very, very close to, death, so I do get upset a lot.

He came to bed an hour later and started telling me how hard he was and he kept grabbing my hand and wrapping it around his dick and asking me to just touch him. So I did for a while and then he said he wanted more, told me it'd been three months (and I admit, it has been, the weather change has been hell on me) since we had sex. He'd been more graphic than he'd ever been with me-- he'd never begged so much in all the time we'd been together. He's NEVER begged for a blow job from me EVER. In act, he told me he didn't like them when we first started dating. And when I SAID that, he said he'd only said that to make me feel better about it, because (believe it or not, 22 and married on the 24th for two years) up until Saturday night, I'd never done it. He was a totally different person that night. I wouldn't have sex with him, though. He soon passed out, so it didn't matter.

On Sunday, I was upset. But, since his friends were still in the house, I wasn't going to say anything. But he knows when something bothers me and I told him. And he says he blacked out because he doesn't remember saying or doing anything after they got home. He said he felt horrible and would NEVER say that because it's not true and he wouldn't leave me over something I couldn't help (meaning the fibro pain). I want to believe him, and most of me does... but that saying, "Drunk words are sober thoughts." has me wondering. Not having sex semi-regularly because of my various issues has to bother him SOMEWHERE, because he said what he said, else why else would he even say it?

So, VP, in your opinion, Is that saying true?

(tags won't load for me....)
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