I'm not sure where to start, and this might be a long post so bear with me. This is also fairly graphic...
Background on myself- I'm a christian, and I've always been taught to wait 'til marriage to have sex. I'm a PIV virgin, but I've given and recieved oral (just recently given). I also have a really high libido so staying a virgin has been very hard for me... I've had two boyfriends, both of whom were virgins when we started dating. I'm 22, current boyfriend is 20.
Anyways, the only times I've ever witnessed someone giving or recieving oral sex is in porn. I've always been curious as to what it would be like, but also pretty disgusted by the idea because of how demeaning it looks in porn, especially for women giving men blowjobs, if you know what I mean. The women in pornos look so submissive and slave-like...I'm not really sure how to put those thoughts into words, but..yeah.
My ex-boyfriend and I did some fooling around, handjobs/fingering/dry humping, ect. He knew I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex, which he was sort of ok with, but was still pressuring me all the time to have intercourse or oral. One day we were fooling around, making out, ect, and he asked me if he could eat me out. I don't really remember exactly what I said, but it wasn't "Yes." He started kissing down my stomach, unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans and pulled them down just enough to lick my clit a little bit, and then I got pissed and made him stop. He was just constantly bugging me about it and I finally got sick of saying no all the time and was like "fuck it, let him do what he wants." I realize that I could have just firmly said no, but when you're constantly bugged about something like that you just give in, I guess. All in all, not a real healthy relationship. And besides the unhealthy relationship, I still felt super guilty about doing sexual things because I'm willfully sinning by doing sexual things (not the oral, didn't feel guilty about that, wasn't really my choice, I guess).
Anyways, now I'm with a really awesome guy who I plan on marrying (if he'd ever get around to proposing... haha). We also fool around-hand jobs and fingering mostly. A couple weeks ago he went down on me for a little while but I made him stop rather quickly. It just made me uncomfortable because I just wasn't really sure if I was ready for that. It felt really good, though. That same night I tried giving him a blow job, but couldn't bring myself to actually put more than the tip in my mouth because I was a little grossed out by the thought of jizz getting in my mouth, and because of not really being sure if I was ready to go to that 'level' or 'base' if you know what I mean. Also, damn, I don't know what to do with a freaking penis in my mouth! Also, I have farily bad emetophobia so I was super afraid of gagging myself/gagging when I got semen in my mouth. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emetophobia)
Last night I spent the night with him and he went down on me again, and it felt pretty amazing. I let him do it a lot longer, but never had an orgasm because I was nervous/uncomfortable. Since he went down on me I wanted to return the favor (He never, ever tries to convince me to do things like my ex). Since part of what makes me nervous about oral is getting semen in my mouth, I decided to try using a condom on him. I did feel like I was going to gag a few times, so I would stop and take a breath and I was fine, except once I went a little too deep and did gag/cough which freaked me out... but I stopped for a minute or so and was able to continue. He came and said he liked everything I did, even though I didn't really feel like I knew what I was doing.
After he came we cuddled and talked for a really long time, which was nice. We had one of the deepest talks we've ever had, and I feel so in love with him, so that was really nice. :)
But this morning when I was driving home I had this overwhelming guilty, regretful feeling. I guess I just knew the whole time that I wasn't really ready for any of that, and that it's just one 'step' closer to having PIV (in my mind, at least) and I feel guilty for not waiting til I'm married to have these sexual experiences, because I know that's what god wants. In the past, I've had issues with feeling guilty about the other sexual things we've done and suggested to my boyfriend that we just stop doing sexual things, and draw the line at kissing. The first time I suggested this, we did stop and it was really nice. He was actually in agreement that we should stop. But we fell back into it pretty quickly... like I said I have a really high libido and so does my boyfriend. So this goes on for a while and then I get sick of feeling guilty again and suggest we draw the line at kissing again. This time, my boyfriend had an unexpected reaction. He said it would be ok, but he was like, pissed off about it, I guess. He never said so but I could tell by his attitude. So...we fell back into doing sexual stuff and now here we are with me feeling super guilty and him being really happy... I love that giving him a blowjob made him feel so good. And I love all the sexual things we do. Everything feels awesome. I love making him feel awesome. But I still feel so guilty and regretful that I didn't wait until I was married to do these things. Half of me wants to stop and wait to do anything else until we are actually married, which will probs be this summer so it wouldn't be too long of celibacy. If I didn't have such a damn high libido things would be easier, haha, for me at least. And I don't want to piss him off or whatever by saying "no more funtimes."
Sigh. Thanks for letting me vent. Does anyone have any advice for me? Or anyone been in a similar situation?