help_imalive (help_imalive) wrote in vaginapagina,

Fear of Porn meets a Porn Addiction

I've run into quite a roadblock in my own relationship recently. I've been struggling with this the past month, and I am turning to you lovely VP'ers for advice.

I have, from a very young age, had a fascination and fear of pornography. I've been drawn to it, but also repelled because of self insecurities and unresolved issues. I am female, and have always had jealousy issues and fears of the famous "setting the standards too high" results from exposure to pornography. I have struggled with my self appearance, my sexuality, and my mentality because of this.

I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for over three years. We've had a damn near perfect relationship, almost like a movie if I can say that realistically. It felt like a fairy tale.
At the start of our relationship, I disclaimed to him my insecurities involving porn. I expressed to him that to me, the concept of masturbation (especially a climax) to another person other than your partner feels similar to cheating. He understood. Since this happening I have become much more comfortable with myself, I feel sexy, I feel desirable, and I feel irresistible. I was so proud of his abstaining from porn, that I felt comfortable with him watching it again. I was about to admit this to him.

Now fast forward to now, and he confesses to me that not only has he been watching porn, but he's been pretending to be someone else online and sexually conversing with others. Exchanging porn with them, sharing how it turns him on and what he'd like to do to them. Not only has he been doing this for 2 years behind my back, it has affected his ability to sustain (or even develop) an erection with me now. He says that there are days when I'm at work, he will do this for hours on end.

He admitted to me that he has a problem. He has an addiction to this online interaction and the pornography he watches. He's read up on addictions to porn, and has admitted to feeling the same desensitization as explained.

I love this boy with all my heart, he's an absolute puzzle piece to my own. I don't want this to be what ends our relationship, but I am so insecure about this that I don't feel as if I can support him enough. This is my ultimate fear come true, and I feel as if I have no where to run or seek refuge in. My own mind is an absolute mess, I've become bitter, I've become jealous, and I've become someone who I don't wish to be anymore.
I fear that he desires what he sees in those videos, and I fear that I cannot fulfill his desires. I've always known he's into kinks beyond what I'm willing to delve into, but now I fear as if he will look elsewhere to satisfy himself. He always used to tell me that he "had a hand", whenever I wasn't in the mood or on my period. Now hearing that makes my stomach churn.

He has openly stated he wishes to stop. He doesn't want to do this anymore, but now I feel so betrayed that it doesn't feel any different. I was deceived for two years. Two years I fell asleep in the same bed as him after he would do these things. It has soured almost all of my memories with him.

Please, if there is any advice you can offer, it will be much appreciated. I don't even know what I am really seeking here other than an opportunity to talk this out. I haven't been able to speak to anyone about it, as all of my close friends are also mutual friends with my boyfriend.

I feel so lost. My confidence is shattered. My familiarity with my self is wavering, and my own interests just remind me of this. I can't enjoy sex (or masturbation) without thinking of this.
This may seem like a petty issue to others, but I can't stress enough the extreme weight of which it is on me. I'm begging for a way out.
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