I haven't posted here in awhile, but I've been having some issues and thankfully remembered that this place exists!
So let me just sort of start from the beginning. I'm almost 22 years old. When I was a kid, I was pretty chubby, and this lasted all through high school. I lost some weight by the end of high school, but not a significant amount. I think my highest weight was 179 in the 11th grade, and I'm 5'2".
Well I just graduated university in June, and over the last 4 years I've been working hard to lead an active lifestyle and I love it. But I've been stuck at 135 for about a year. So I joined weight watchers last week and in my first week, I lost 4 lbs! I was so happy. Diets usually don't work for me and this one isn't particularly difficult.
Anyway, I'm 131 as of right now. But I'm having body image issues. I look in the mirror and I still see that 179 lb high school girl. To me, I don't look different at all. I obsessively diet and then get let down when they don't work. When I eat something "bad", I feel horrible guilt. I'm afraid of all of this turning into some sort of eating disorder if I don't shake it.
It also doesn't help that when I'm trying to lose the last 15-20 lbs, my family (who are all a bit heavy) tell me I don't need to, that I'm "skinny". I'm not skinny. I know I'm not skinny and I wish they would stop telling me I am. It's all about competition for them, I think. I don't know. Realistically, I'm not SKINNY and I don't want to be SKINNY. I like being a little curvy...I just want a body I'm comfortable with. And they just won't stop and it's starting to feel like sabotage. I won't let my mother cook my food now, because I've caught her adding a ton of extra to the meals.
Additionally, I'm always nervous to undress in front of my boyfriend. We have a long distance relationship. I live in Canada and he's in the USA. We only see each other every couple of months, but I'm always afraid of what he'll think when he sees me next, especially naked.
He never comments or criticizes if I'm having a bad month. If I ask, he'll always tell me I look great and to stop obsessing. If I say I need to lose weight he'll say I don't.
I just...don't know. I wish I could love my body more. I've done more than enough of staring at myself naked in the mirror and telling myself I'm beautiful. It only works if you believe it!
Sorry this is so jumpy.