zorromo (zorromo) wrote in vaginapagina,

Mods, please delete if inappropriate.

How do I tell my boyfriend about sexual abuse as a small child?

I've never been able to orgasm. I've come close but never quite made it so it's definitely in my head (I put this down to molestation as a kid). Been with the Boy quite a while now and it's beginning to cause a few (minor) problems. He's hinted a couple of times that he basically feels like a failure, but certainly isn't trying to put me under any kind of pressure. He knows I've got issues, he just doesn't know how bad. I have been strangled before by two separate people, and not in the sexy way, so until very recently, someone just touching my neck would trigger a bad episode lasting up to a fortnight but the two of us are working on this. I'm finally comfortable with him touching or resting his hand on my neck but cannot handle any pressure.

My problem is this; I've come to the point where I believe he needs to know about everything but I don't want to scare him off by being "damaged goods". Unlikely, but you never know. I also know that there are so many people in the world who have had far worse than being molested a couple of times. I'd like him to understand that it truly isn't his fault I can't orgasm. I didn't tell him about the strangling until one day he (affectionately) put his arm around my shoulders and I freaked out and instinctively fought his arm off me. For a few days afterward, he was reluctant to even touch me in case he scared me like that again. So I'm trying to avoid this sort of situation, where he's terrified of triggering flashbacks.

Also, to make things difficult, I still live with the person responsible, which is unlikely to change for at least a year or two so it is unlikely I will tell him who in case he goes all protector on me. I genuinely doubt the person even remembers as they were only a kid at the time as well, although a little older than me. Anyway, I'm not planning on doing anything about it beyond making the Boy aware.

With the sex, I believe it's like the neck thing, only it is just taking so much longer to sort out. Throw in the fact that until I discovered garlic cloves, I had near constant yeast infections making sex painful and triggering flashbacks. Think I've finally got this sorted though.

Basically I'd just like someone to help me out and tell me where to start with all this. I don't intend on just dumping it all on him, he doesn't deserve that, but a gentle "hey it's not you, it's me and this is why". He, like me, is prone to getting depressed and at the moment, I think the bedroom stuff is getting him really down.

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