A general rundown on me, leading up to my current problems:
-As far as I know, I've never been sexually traumatized at any point in my life.
-I've been externally masturbating since I was 7 with no pain.
-I briefly attempted inserting a tampon when I was 14 and stopped due to strong pain. Not a big deal, I thought, probably just not ready yet and just went back to happily using pads.
-I tried curiously poking fingers inside myself once or twice a year starting around 17 and stopping at 19ish, essentially "testing the water" to see if it still hurt. It always hurt immensely, like someone was shoving HARD into a very bad bruise, no mater how gentle and slow and lubed.
-I've been attempting to have sex with my fiance since 19, he's not large and not pushy at all. Never worked. It was most commonly way too painful, but twice, I mysteriously wouldn't feel anything at all! ..But I couldn't continue, physically! It was literally like hitting a wall. We just hump now, essentially. This is usually either pleasurable or at least painless, but sometimes it hurts, just like poking into a bad bruise like insertion would.
-I've been unsuccessfully trying to be examined since 20. I'm terrified of being examined down there. I bust out crying before I'm even undressed, and I scream in pain when people actually attempt to insert anything into me, and got sent home twice. I had ENOUGH of my initial gyno when I called him one day after having an especially bad sexual experience in which I attempted to insert lidocane cream down there and stretch myself out slowly. I got my hand in and actually entered the pocket behind my uterus, at which point I had a full scale panic attack: Vision tunneled and clouded, throat the size of a straw, uncontrollable shaking, the works. He was incredibly annoyed at me and told me to go take a shower.
-I made an appointment with someone else recently, who was far more patient and only talked to me. We decided that I would be examined under anesthesia at the hospital, and so I was. He apparently found a hymen and a half (aren't I lucky!), one very thick and meaty with a medium opening, and one, I forget the term, that was a thick band of tissue. He surgically removed these and stretched the vagina, and I had six solvable stitches, and said that other than those, I was entirely normal. This was on the 9th of Feb.
-I had a regular office checkup scheduled on the 22nd to see how I was healing, but on Monday, I started getting bad stinging pains all the sudden, totally different from the dull soreness that had been steadily going down since the surgery. My period began on Monday too, so I ignored them, thinking it was just a compound pain from having it so soon after being worked on.
Tuesday they were much worse, there were points of the day where I couldn't even shift weight while sitting down without yelp-worthy stabs. I let loose air a few times while peeing, and I started to suspect that the pain was being caused by blocked up air. Went away overnight. Wednesday they slowly built up over the course of the day and went away while I was asleep, too, and I had definitely seen a correlation between certain movements (walking too fast, sitting and standing, bending over at the hips at all) that caused air to suck into me, and that managing to dispel it either by squeezing after peeing or by pushing both sides of my outer labia in a downwards and outwards movement brought either a little or great relief from the pain.
Yesterday, Thursday, they did NOT go away overnight, I still had the same pains I did when I laid down. I tried looking up all sorts of techniques for queefing essentially, haha. I tried elevating my hips and just resting like that, stretching, various different pelvic floor movements. The only thing that helped at all was massaging downward my outer labia. The day was spent accidentally taking air inside all day long and then fighting it back out again. My period wasn't helping, and the air was preventing blood from escaping regularly. Thursday and the day before, I would stop bleeding for half a day, suddenly let loose a huge amount of air, followed by a gush of blood. By the latter half of the day, I was mostly painfree, but I could still feel a presence in there. I called the gyno that day asking about these pains, fearful that they would come back. He was concerned, saying nothing he did should cause that type of pain, and wanted me to come in the next day.
-Today I went in, and after crying out of nervousness I was given Valium, and he attempted to peek inside. He barely touched me and I cried pretty hard out of fear and he wanted to stop, but I asked him to try again. He let my fiance into the room with me this time and gave me 10 or 15 minutes to calm down, and tried again. He got about 3/4's of an inch inside before something suddenly hurt like WHOAH and I yelled and propelled myself way up the table, oops. He gave up and I don't blame him much, though part of me wishes he would try again. I got dressed and we talked more. He told me that, aside from giving myself a nice long time to heal, what I mostly needed was a psychologist or sexual therapist. I think what I mostly need is a set of dilators to desensitize with, because I highly doubt that any amount of talking is going to help with the physical side. He wasn't able to answer any questions about the bubbles and was very confused that they even got up there, I was clamped shut like an angry clam, haha. The appointment for the 22nd was canceled, and now it's up to me to do something.
1. I've gotten bubbles up myself a few times before, and they DID NOT hurt, nor did they stay. They were just funny feeling inconveniences that lasted a few seconds. Why did I feel like I was being stabbed for days on end, and why did they keep entering?
2. I'm loathe to do this, but any recommendations for sexual therapists or psycologists in the NJ/NY/PA area? I was given a name by my gyno, but I often don't get along with people and would like alternatives available.
3. Do you think it's wise to simply try slowly dilating myself?