that desperate bird (onooyes) wrote in vaginapagina,
that desperate bird
onooyes
vaginapagina

I need more female friends.

Hi, VP... I haven't posted here in quite some time. I don't have a pressing medical issue, or anything of the kind this time around, but I'm feeling depressed and at a loss for somewhere productive to put this, so...

Last year my only close female friend committed suicide. I felt really awful at the time & still do, because although we had talked about us both feeling anxious and sad at times, I had no idea she was dealing with the burden of such serious mental health issues until it was too late.

I always had more male friends than female, for whatever reason. I am currently exploring my sexual identity, and I'm primarily attracted to women and would like to get back into the dating world (I broke up with my last [male] partner in August). However, even more than romantic partners, I really just want to have some lady friends I can talk to about the stuff in my life that my male friends, though very well-intentioned, aren't familiar with.

What should I do?! I'm not in school. I'm kind of shy, but more often, I get super anxious and paranoid in social situations. I do have a couple of female friends/acquaintances, but I'm finding it difficult to become closer with them due to my highly-strung nature. I've always been someone who's had just two or three close friends and maybe a circle of acquaintances, so I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself to befriend new people all in an instant, but I can't help feeling deeply disappointed in myself.

My best friend started seeing a new guy recently (which has made me sort of panic about finding new people to hang out with when inevitably he & his partner want to spend time alone); this new guy moved to New York about a year ago, and according to my friend already has a circle of loving friends who do things like bring him soup when he's feeling ill, etc. I've been living in my current city for a year and a half, and while I've managed to meet some interesting people, I definitely don't have anything like that (other than my best friend, who as I said is now spending more time with his romantic partner, as is only natural). I've always felt like a bad person for being something of a loner, and this is all combining into a major :( for me.

Ugh, I don't even know what to do... I just needed to vent for a minute.
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