her_auburn_eyes (her_auburn_eyes) wrote in vaginapagina,
her_auburn_eyes
her_auburn_eyes
vaginapagina

grief after abortion

I don't know if this belongs here. And I would like to start off by saying, I'm pro choice and I don't have anything against anyone who chooses to have an abortion. I just find I regret mine terribly. And it is eating me up inside.

I had an abortion nearly two years ago at 20 years old. I was scared and I didn't know what to do. I was afraid of what my parents would do. The partner I was with was unsupportive. The pregnancy felt like this alien creature I just wanted off of me. As soon as possible. I am a recovering addict and I was also occasionally abusing drugs at the time, but after the abortion my using skyrocketed and whether related or not, I have become very depressed.

Now days Im clean, but for the past year I have found myself obsessed with having a baby. I feel so much guilt. I calculate the days and think of how old my child would be if I had it, would it have been a boy or girl? Would it have his hair, my eyes? I was not prepared to take care of the kid, so logically I know it was the right choice. But I feel like I lost a piece of me along with the baby..the fetus..whatever. It is so difficult for me to be around children today. I can't stand it.

And I am so ashamed to admit this. But I have been lying to my partner about being on birth control. I know that is horrible. Maybe I feel like if I have a baby it will replace the guilt I have for the one I gave up. Either way, it is unfair to my partner.

I just needed to let this out, I guess.
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