I am a female, interested only in males. My mother is a lesbian and since she has come out, I have received ridicule in schools since 6th grade, and everyone shoved the "you have the gay gene!" down my throat. This, as a younger girl, terrified and confused me.
I remember having nights where I couldn't sleep because I was crying so hard, all because I was repulsed by the thoughts that I could be gay. Now, don't get me wrong, I am a total LGBT ally, but as far as identifying as a lesbian? I was totally scared that what I felt wasn't normal.
I went through life always wondering if just because I thought a girl was pretty, it meant I was sexually attracted to/could fall in love with her. I know now this is not true, because I have been very content with dating males, and do not ever think, consciously, about being involved with females.
Now, here comes the fun part. I have had OCD and anxiety since I was around 5 years old. I have ridiculous dreams that go against anything I would ever do, and I don't know why that is. But my dreams are about smoking, drinking, cheating on my boyfriend, and being gay. All which I do not/would not do. I sometimes find myself being aroused, in my dreams, when having female contact. But I also get aroused, in my dreams, with any sexual contact with males. I have also had the issue of only feeling these sensations in my sleep, mainly because my anxiety runs so high, that I have trouble achieving the same feeling during actual intercourse.
I have researched a bit on this type of thinking/fear, and found what's called Sexuality OCD. Here's the link to what I found. I fit all of the criteria, and was relieved to find out that I'm not going crazy.
I guess I'll make the disclaimer that although I am straight, I do not get disgusted at any actions of the LGBT community. It's a beautiful group of individuals, and although I am not a direct part of it, I support them 100%.
I am wondering if anyone has had these issues before, or if someone can just help me out. It's very scary, especially because my mind will tell me, for months, I don't love people, I don't care about others, and now, that I'm a 100% lesbian.
This all just gets a bit frustrating. Help please? :(