so like i said, ive been diagnosed with anxiety issues and ocd..ive been this way pretty much all my life. its something that held me back when i was younger from experimenting with the boys like all my friends were doing..i was too paranoid about pregnancy/stds. funnily enough that all changed when i started drinking at college. drinking allowed me to lose my inhibitions..unfortunately..it has allowed me to be careless as well (hence why i contracted genital HSV-1 after allowing a boy to perform oral on me without thinking to ask his status)..sometimes..i get too drunk and end up making out with/fooling around with someone i didnt really wanna be with (almost all of us have experienced this at one point or another i think..heh..'beer goggles'as they say..since being diagnosed with GHSV-1 ive been VERY careful in all regards to that even when ive been drinking..i def make sure to protect and inform the person im with..except in this situation of course..)
..so these paranoid feelings of 'oh gosh what if im pregnant' began soon after i started to get physical with people. the clincher is....im a virgin. well as far as i know (how NUTS does this sound? heh) i would get paranoid about getting pregnant in ways that there is little to no chance about getting pregnant..and yet i would obsess about this until my period came. in recent times its gotten worse, and i get this feeling pretty much every time im with someone..even when i KNOW in my rational mind i didnt have sex with them. it happened to me over the summer while i was on vacation and almost ruined it for me (i couldnt have fun til i got my period..which of course i did...)
ANYWAY..ive been drinking much less..finally getting out of the party 24/7 mindset..but im also on some new meds (zoloft) that im getting used to..and ive been trying to drink even less because they make me more sensitive to alcohol..but back on november 18th i went to a show and got super smashed..before i realized it..i was blacked out. i ended up hitting on a guy..making out with him at the bar..and bringing him back to my house. we made out, i know that..and i vaguely remember touching him and him trying to go down on me and me saying 'no no dont do that'..but in general things are a bit fuzzy.
the next day, aside from being INCREDIBLY hungover, i didnt feel anything different going on downstairs. usually the next day after being fingered i can tell, maybe a bit sore or chafed etc..but i didnt really feel anything at all..i did however have sore inner thighs which puzzled me..perhaps from intense dry humping or being on my back with my legs spread for a while..which would mean maybe he did finger me..? the rational part of my mind is thinking i know im a virgin, i think i would have known the next day if he tried to have sex with me..even if i was partially blacked out i would have said NO i dont want to have sex..because i never have! why would i! also id imagine id be a lot more sore and maybe even be spotting because as i know drunkeness= way less lubrication down there and because ive never had a penis in there (can barely get two finger in) i def think i would know! i didnt think much about it..didnt think 'oh gosh what did i do i need to get plan B!' or anything..
but as the days have gone by ive grown increasingly paranoid. my irrational mind is thinking well what if he did have sex with you and you had no idea and what if he got you pregnant?? i take every little twinge in my body to mean something, have been obsessively reading up about early pregnancy signs, and ive been counting the days between my periods..which actually has made it worse i think..what has heightened my anxiety the most is that yesterday was the 28 day mark..and no period. i looked back to previous months and counted and saw that:
from July to August-30 days (this was when i was on vacation and was super paranoid from another situation)
from August to September-29 days
from September to October- 27 days
from October to November- 28 days
as you can see my cycle varies slightly..so really, i could expect to get it today or tomorrow and it would all be fine. im experiencing sore boobs and some breakouts on my face and i swear i can feel some light cramping.. like what usually happens before my period..but im just so paranoid and obsessive about it and cant stop worrying and counting and reading up online..sometimes i just have to walk away from the computer all together. maybe my excessive worrying is causing a delay in my period coming?
sorry this is so long and i commend anyone for actually reading it all haha..but even if you just skimmed it..i was wondering if anyone else felt the same way i do about this stuff? im curious to hear from other paranoid/ocd people and get some insight in general. any input you have would be great. thanks so much in advance.