Leafy Sea Dragon (leafing) wrote in vaginapagina,
Leafy Sea Dragon

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Celebrating toys, beauty, masturbation, and recovery

Hi everyone! I've been dealing with some sexual issues stemming both from the way I was raised and a fairly recent sexual assault, and this seemed like the best place to bring it up. I really wanted to get this story/celebration out somewhere and see if maybe anyone could relate.

So, as I indicated above, I experienced a pretty terrible case of sexual assault about a year ago, which has really messed with my perception of sex, which wasn't great in the first place as I was raised in a very sex-negative environment.

Fast-forwarding, I'm living with the rest of my family right now (about 4 hours away from where my apartment was) because it was generally agreed upon that I had to be monitored since I'm depressive enough without the rape-attempt shenanigans. The police sent me to a therapist who, after a rocky period, has been an absolute champ about this. She's been encouraging me to explore my body on my own terms after finding out that I was never all that comfortable with it in the first place. The one thing I will say about my previous knowledge of my body is that I very much enjoy certain textures. That's important.

Sex was always an unthinkable thing (due to my family/school/former religion's enforced repression), and masturbation was always (a) taboo, and (b) only for those in possession of a penis. Nowadays sex is unthinkable due to trust issues, but now all forms of masturbation are oh-so-much more viable.

Which brings me to the main point: toys! I've never owned a toy before, and always had an aversion to them, partially because I learned that they were sinful (I don't care about that anymore), but also... Every toy I'd seen in a sex shop was, I thought, either realistic or kind of floppy and sticky looking. Not the type of thing I'd want to stick into or rub against myself!

A friend of mine in college told me at various times that masturbation had a great number of benefits including a possibility for relief from stress and insomnia (both of which I have problems with!). During my most recent appointment with my therapist I brought up the possibility of it helping me cope with a variety of things, including recovering from the assault and a bit of trauma related to religion that I won't get into. She said that it was definitely worth a try if I was interested.

At this point, with the assault in mind, my aversion to realistic re-creations of penises (and real ones for that matter) is still as strong as ever but for different reasons. Likewise, my aversion to floppy, sticky-looking toys is still as strong as ever for the same reasons. Fingers aren't horribly interesting to me so I started to do some soul-searching. I found that the world of sex toys is much more diverse than I'd ever known, and it seems to me like there's something for everyone. I was immediately drawn to the selections of beautiful glass dildos.

I have such a borderline-fetishistic (okay, well, maybe totally fetishistic) appreciation for cold glass that I just had a feeling I'd enjoy such a thing in a variety of ways, and the designs and colors were much more visually appealing to me than any other toy I had ever seen. These were things that I wouldn't mind owning or using.

After a few days of agonizing over it, I finally got up the courage to whip out my credit card and place an order for a few of varying shapes, sizes, and colors (along with a bit of lube). They haven't arrived yet, but I'm pretty excited (in more ways than one) about it. This is the first time I've really attempted to take control of myself as a sexual being instead of letting others push me around over it: everything is going to be on my own terms.

Ideally, being able to take control of that aspect of my life will help me out. I'm a bit of a "control freak" when it comes to everything else, and I'm sincerely hoping that putting myself in charge like this will be comforting in contrast to the various degrees of being controlled that I experienced in the past.

With all that said, I was wondering, does anyone else want to take the floor here? I'm very interested in others' experiences, both with taking control of what their genitals are up to and with finding the perfect toy (if applicable). Additionally, if anyone has any advice or encouragement, that is super-welcome!
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