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For the VP Team
I am terrified of getting paps done. I have before, but... I panic. Can't unclench my knees (or anything else), can't breathe, can't tell whether I'm hot or cold, heart racing, etc - full on panic to the point I've had a gyno stop the exam because I couldn't despite wanting to and knowing I had to. I have anxiety disorder but have been off medication for over a year because I don't have financial means of seeing someone about it. I know I need to get another pap, a few months ago to be honest, but I'm so paralyzed with fear that I can't even make the appointment.
Part of me wants to ask if there is any way I can pay more for the appointment and take a Xanax while in the waiting room just so I can get through the appointment, but I also know that even when I took it on an as-needed basis by prescription the doctor was very rationing of it (which is understandable, I rationed it too because, go figure, I was terrified I'd get addicted). Honestly I'm not even sure if I can do it with medication because even just thinking/typing about it I can feel myself starting to panic. I also don't have a regular doctor because I just moved, which kind of adds to it, not that having a regular doctor stopped me from panic in the past - it just adds another element of uncertainty and frankly I feel terrible when other people have to deal with my panic. I don't even want to deal with it, much less inflict it upon someone.
Any advice or suggestions? Am I just screwed?