Elijah (__recidivist) wrote in vaginapagina,
Elijah
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vaginapagina

Anonymous post: Getting through paps

Greetings, Superstars. As you probably know, from time to time the VP Team makes posts on behalf of people who wish to remain anonymous or who do not have LJ accounts. This is one such post. Thanks in advance for your helpful comments.

P.S. For more info on anonymous posts, see this link.

Eli
For the VP Team
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I am terrified of getting paps done. I have before, but... I panic. Can't unclench my knees (or anything else), can't breathe, can't tell whether I'm hot or cold, heart racing, etc - full on panic to the point I've had a gyno stop the exam because I couldn't despite wanting to and knowing I had to. I have anxiety disorder but have been off medication for over a year because I don't have financial means of seeing someone about it. I know I need to get another pap, a few months ago to be honest, but I'm so paralyzed with fear that I can't even make the appointment.

Part of me wants to ask if there is any way I can pay more for the appointment and take a Xanax while in the waiting room just so I can get through the appointment, but I also know that even when I took it on an as-needed basis by prescription the doctor was very rationing of it (which is understandable, I rationed it too because, go figure, I was terrified I'd get addicted). Honestly I'm not even sure if I can do it with medication because even just thinking/typing about it I can feel myself starting to panic. I also don't have a regular doctor because I just moved, which kind of adds to it, not that having a regular doctor stopped me from panic in the past - it just adds another element of uncertainty and frankly I feel terrible when other people have to deal with my panic. I don't even want to deal with it, much less inflict it upon someone.

Any advice or suggestions? Am I just screwed?
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