I'm 22 years old. Its always nice to begin such a thing with a little context. When I was 13 years old, I was raped by two older boys. They weren't really men, but you know, as they say old enough. I had absolutely zero sexual experience at this point, so the experience as I'm sure you can imagine was pretty horriffic. I don't really want to go into the specifics because its not really relevant to the issue. After that happened, I feel like I reacted by having absolutely no interest in sex or my body, in fact I think what happened was I developed somewhat of a phobia. I guess those are the years when you experiment not only with other people, but with yourself, and with your own body. Every time I would even try to touch myself - it was definitely not an act of masturbation, I was feeling nothing in the way of sex drive - I felt like my stomach would clench up and I was going to vomit. I couldn't even look at my vagina in the mirror. It sounds stupid, I think, now, but back then I always thought that I would just go through my life being completely asexual, with no need or desire for anything resembling a sex life. It seemed easier, I think. I was so frightened of my own body that I couldn't even put in a tampon. Every time I tried I would just freak out, and once, when I actually got the tampon into my body I was so paniced I passed out in the bathroom, came to with a chipped tooth, and sat white and shaking, crying for about an hour. I'm not sure what made me respond like that, because actually before trying, it was about the calmest I've felt in that situation.
The aformentioned sex drive came later, really late, if we're being relative about it. I was about 18 before I really got any desire for guys. And even then I didn't entertain the notion of ever, ever, ever having sex. The first sexual situation I got into was with a guy and a girl. The girl was my friend, and the guy was a friend of a friend. We all got very, very drunk. So drunk that I fell asleep, and only woke up when I was being led to the bed to sleep by my friend. I don't even remember what happened, other than one minute I was being laid down and the next minute I was kissing my friend and the guy. I sort of remember having sex with him. I remember him fingering me and being sort of calm and... well drunk about it. It felt weird, okay, a bit sore and so on. But I woke up in the morning feeling horrible. Like ashamed that I didn't really know what had happened last night, I felt really vulnerable in the sense that I felt like it had been out of my control and I felt... well just shit.
That was when I was 19. Since then I've not had sex again. I've had sexual experiences with guys, mostly guys who I've had short term relatinships with. I've had ample opportunities to have sex again, I've nearly had sex once again but I was so nervous and sick feeling that he couldn't get it in, so we gave up.
Its funny because even though I've had these experiences with guys, I've been fingered (I still can't bring myself to like this), I've had guys going down on me (This makes me feel more calm and I find I enjoy it more, though I still don't quite know what I'm supposed to feel... which makes me think I'm not feeling 'it'.) and Ive had sex, on a technicality, I guess - but the bit that still freaks me out is touching myself. I can't do it. Well I can. I masturbate, if infrequently, but when it comes to actually putting anything into my vagina I just.... wig out. I go to do it, I put maybe one finger in, under duress, and then I flip out and quit. Its a problem because I feel if I can't be comfortable touching myself, how am I ever supposed to enjoy anyone else doing it? And I really really do want to enjoy someone else doing it. So many relationships, or possible relationships with really awesome guys have been ruined because I'm too scared to have sex with them. And its not that they demand it, its that I run away before I have to explain myself.
I know this all sounds pathetic, and I hate that I'm 22 and I'm this scared of something so basic, but I just... I don't know what to do to make this easier. I guess its like any phobia and I just have to learn to relenquish control and take the plunge, but something is stopping me and I don't know what it is.
I don't really know what I'm asking for exactly... advice? Any similar experiences? I guess I just want to feel that theres some possible hope that I won't always feel like this. Help?
Edit : Sorry I should also warn ; mentions of sexual assault below the cut