advisemeplease (advisemeplease) wrote in vaginapagina,

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Feeling Pretty Desperate

I know I am going to sound completely crazy in this post, but please keep in mind while reading that it’s taken me a long time to work up the courage to write it. I even made a new livejournal name specifically for this post because I feel completely embarrassed about my way of thinking.
Also, it is a very long post, but if you could just take the care to read it and perhaps comment, it would change the world for me to have some feedback. Honestly, I NEED your help ☹

Although this post is in part an “am I pregnant?” question, I feel that I also have something further I may need advice on dealing with, which is why I did not post in the “am_i_pregnant” community.

I’ll try to make this all as coherent as possible despite my emotional state.

I guess you can call what I have a severe phobia of pregnancy. I am twenty years old and it would completely destroy my life to have a child right now, even if I were to give it up for adoption, for a variety of reasons which I won’t get into, but trust me, they are good reasons (one of them has to do with a full scholarship I’m on for college, but there are many other reasons as well). I am, however, also completely terrified of abortions for another slew of reasons (couldn’t handle it emotionally, went to a Christian school when I was younger where they brought in a girl who was crippled from an abortion, etc.). These fears were so bad in me that each sex act between my significant other of 6 years and I would result in multiple months of tears on my part until we stopped having sex altogether over a year ago. I decided that in my current frame of mind, I should not be having sex at all. I still am not having sex, aside from the incident that made me write this post.

In the beginning of June 2010, at the estimated peak time of ovulation and when I was the most fertile according to numerous online calculators, I had sex with my SO because I was incredibly drunk (we were not in America, so there was no underage drinking involved. And yes, he and I have spoken about how the incident happened despite our mutual knowledge of my phobia). Anyway, I have been on the oral contraceptive, Yaz, for a few years now, but had gotten a bit lax with taking the pills on time since I was not expecting to have sex. I know this was incredibly naïve and foolish of me. In all, I think I took two pills late at the same time in the first week of the pill pack, which very well could have triggered a REAL ovulation.

Since I am so paranoid, we used a condom as a double protection. Now, I know this is gross, but we also fill the condom up with water after we ‘do it’ in order to make sure there are no holes. We discovered after the fact that this condom had a tiny hole near the center of it, as if a pin had pricked it or something (I am sure no one did this intentionally)! Anyway, it may have been caused by the fact that my SO didn’t know he had to replace the condom after each time he came. This made me extremely paranoid—the thought of his cum sliding around by the hole for so long inside of me—so I went out and bought Next Choice (Plan B generic) and took the first pill within 6 hours of intercourse, then the second twelve hours later. I then read online that Plan B does not have a high probability of working if used after or during ovulation since it mainly works by delaying it, though can sometimes prevent implantation.

So far, I realize that I may sound quite paranoid… I was on Yaz, used a condom, and even emergency contraception. However, the first two were misused, which is why I am so paranoid!
I continued taking the Yaz on the same pill pack with the Plan B/Next Choice and was further paranoid when I did not experience any outside-of-normal-time bleeding, as many girls do with EC. I was relieved when I got my period during the placebo week of my pill pack (2 days later than normal) complete with heavy bleeding, a few clots, and cramps. I took a HPT the week after that period and it was negative. Also, I have been taking HTPs each week until now, all negative.

Yesterday I started my second period since the incident (it was only two days later than normal within the placebo week again) complete with cramps, but it is a bit lighter than normal and I have no clots, which is quite unusual for me. It actually seems like the period may be ending now after just 2 days, which is absolutely unheard of for me (6 days usually). It definitely isn’t spotting, though. Also, I have very abnormal constipation (caused from the EC still?) and a bulge in my abdomen. I realize that a fetus would not be showing this soon at all, but the bulge is around my uterus and IS NOT a bowel, as confirmed by my mother, who is a doctor. Lastly, I’ve been extremely tired lately. I don’t know if these are all effects of the EC that haven’t gone away over a month later… I hear the effects can last for 3 months. Anyway, there are no other possible pregnancy symptoms really. My current period blood does smell a little different from normal, which I read online is a sign of pregnancy…

Despite all of these reasons for me not to believe I am pregnant, I continue to see all of these online forum posts about how girls got negative HPTs and blood tests and no symptoms and full-on normal periods and even in some cases botched ultrasounds and didn’t find out they were pregnant until waaaay down the line. This terrifies me, and it seems there are MANY girls claiming to have been in this situation.

My mother will not let me get a blood test or ultrasound because she says I am being foolish and that all of the women in our family have no pregnancy bleeding and get extravagant symptoms like big, sore breasts right away. I couldn’t even afford tests unless if she was the one referring me/ordering the test since I have no insurance until school starts again. Sadly, I know that no blood test would ease my mind, and possibly not even an ultrasound thanks to the stuff I’ve now read online. She says I can get an ultrasound to see why my abdomen is inflamed (a legitimate, not-in-my-head concern), but not until sometime in August… Ugh, I can’t wait that long. I am crying my eyes out and just don’t know what to do. I’ve even dangerously self-examined my cervix with fingers to find that the os is only partially open and perhaps even closed more than it is open since I could only fit in the tip of my pinky finger (I know I’m a moron for doing this!)… This all freaks me out.

I know how completely nuts I sound right now, but I am really putting my emotions out there for you all. I know I need some sort of therapy, and I will definitely not have sex again until I get that therapy when I can. However, if I AM pregnant despite all of the reasons why I might not be, I don’t think I will ever be able to trust in having sex again for the rest of my life, unless if I were ready to have kids.

Please…. Tell me what my chances are of being pregnant in your opinions. Also, what should I do to make sure since I can’t trust the tests? Any other advice? Anything to put my mind at ease, or if necessary let me know I could probably be 8 or 9 weeks pregnant? I’m sorry to have bothered you all with the questions of a paranoid lunatic like myself…

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