obscurexgrey (obscurexgrey) wrote in vaginapagina,

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Ramblings on mild discontent and worry

For a little while, I've watched this community, but I've never posted.  So, here's the first crack at it, I suppose.  I'm not sure, exactly why I'm posting this.  I've just mulled it over for a long time and I don't like having things cluttering my head. 

All of you seem like a nice enough group of people, so I don't anticipate receiving any flaming... Criticism, perhaps, but that would just be up to me to take it.

So, I'm in a relationship with a girl that I am so very happy with.  We have so much in common and I have never managed to just feel this right with anyone, before. 

Naturally, there are holes in what feels like perfection. 

We have a long-distance relationship; I live in Alabama and she lives in Illinois.  I spent a week with her, for her birthday, and it was the point where I decided that she really is a person that I could spend my life with.

She has Ehlers-Danlos, which makes her body significantly weaker than other people's.  I accept this, as it is a part of her, as the person that I have all this love for.  This, of course, though, makes the prospect of sex difficult.

Her limbs hurt from most normal, every day, non-sexual positions and there is not a whole lot that we can attempt, in the way of lesbian sex. Her arms and wrists will hurt terribly, if she would try to finger me or rub me. Her hips will start to hurt, if she was to use a strap-on.  Needless to say, this is a little disheartening.

However, when I was with her, I wasn't focused on me, when it came time.  It was all about how I could show her how to have her first orgasm and how much I love her and her body.  It was such a good feeling that I had, to watch that happen.  I love bringing her pleasure, as much as I love just being her partner and friend.

But sometimes, I think that I enjoy giving sexually, in general, because nobody ever tries for me.  I'm not moping or exaggerating, with that, I don't feel.  I've had five long-term relationships, and never once, had any of them attempted to do a single thing.

I never want to feel selfish and I feel guilty, at the thought of someone else trying to pleasure me.  But it's like an all-consuming worry- the fear of the unknown?  I have this notion that just gets at me;  I feel like nobody would want to bother with my body. 

I take so much personal pleasure in causing pleasure that I feel a little bit like anyone else who would try wouldn't give it even half as much effort as I would.  Or as though it would be a chore.  I don't want to be a chore or an obligation.

However, part of me wishes that she would have the urge to try with me.  When I was masturbating, with my vibrator, she took it and tried to help me.  But her arm got sore quickly and I had to finish, myself.  When I came, I cried so hard.  I was so overwhelmed- just because she tried, even in that small way.  Nobody has ever tried, to even that extent.

I do wish that she would have been able to bring me to an orgasm, because I want her to know what I feel.  That good feeling of closeness, knowing that you gave someone something special.  For someone else to bring me off would be very special, to me.

It bothers me, because I have the feeling that I will never feel sexually fulfilled.  I have doubts that I will ever experience an orgasm, by her doing- but I desire her and our relationship more than that selfish-feeling want.

I've had my genitals insulted and made fun of, by past partners, which left me very negative-feeling toward them.  I crave oral sex from her, which is something that I've been frightened of, in the past, because of that.  She has reassured me that I look normal, to her, and that she isn't even very fond of her own genitals, which has made me feel more comfortable about being naked around her.

But she has an issue with the general wetness and appearance of the female genitals, where her mouth is concerned.  I can't push her to do it, because it would be done out of obligation and she wouldn't be happy.  Furthermore, I wouldn't attempt to goad her into it.  But it is one of those things that, whether I want it or not, I wish it was an option or an offer, I think.  Selfish, again.

I love the way that she looks there, the taste, the smell.  I love the feeling of her on my tongue.  I think she is just perfect, in that aspect.  It hurts to know that she will never feel or think the same things about my body, even though it's not her fault.  But I would do anything for her, not only sexually, but any way, and it stings a little to know that it's not the same, on both sides.  I wouldn't leave her, over it, because it's illogical-  but that doesn't stop it from being a little disheartening for me.

Once again, I'm not sure what the point of this is.  To clutter the internet, most likely. 


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