notknowhow (notknowhow) wrote in vaginapagina,
notknowhow
notknowhow
vaginapagina

Regarding Abortions

 So I've put this under a cut for those who are triggered...



I have recently found out that I am pregnant. It is 4 weeks and 5 days since my last withdrawal bleed (so i don't know how 'far along i am' until i get the ultrasound since i have no idea when my uterus accidentally popped an egg). I take my pill every day within one hour, so I'm a 'typical user' so I must be in that 5% of people who gets pregnant anyways. I should start playing the lotto.

I've done some research, and booked an appointment for first a blood test, then an ultrasound, and then a consultation all in the same day (they do that so that they don't have to spend the money on the US if it was a false urine test, and then so you don't have to go through the consult etc.) 

I'm having a crisis of ... thought though, i wouldn't even call it emotion. I find it difficult to come to terms with how OK I am with all of this. I missed my period, peed on a stick, made an appointment. Badda bing badda boom. I think that partly it's because the boy and I came up with an 'emergency plan' before deciding to ditch condoms and rely only on the pill, and this was it. Partly I think it's because I have a very scientific mind, and also a very firm belief that there is no soul, only a conscious mind. Knowing that, I understand that a fetus at this point (or even at 8 or 9 weeks) would not have a conscious mind, and thus is only a lump of cells with potential... much like a tumour is a lump of cells with potential. Also, the whole idea that the world is already overpopulated, and it's not like the universe is just waiting for my spawn to tilt it in a new direction... grand scheme of things, not a huge deal. I wouldn't be able to give the spawn a good life anyways, not at this point. I want to be able to afford antibiotics and glasses for my children if  they need them. 

Does this make me a very cold person? I've talked with the boy about it, and while he agrees that a) it's ultimately my decision and b) he wouldn't be able to do right by the spawn either, he's much more upset about the concept then I am. I'm almost thinking that when i go in for my consultation with the nurse/social worker that I'm going to have to turn on the water works to make them not judge me. 

So my question for you all is... Am I abnormally cold? Do I need to inject some emotion into what I'm going through? Have any of you gone through something similar and then crashed out with amazing depression after the procedure (also something I'm worried about due to the lack of it right now)? 
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