wilgefortiis (wilgefortiis) wrote in vaginapagina,

Going home for Xmas / Family secrets

My usual posts to VP tend to be outbreaks of pre-period hysteria. But this time I'm in need of advice on another matter entirely.

I've been looking forward to going home for Christmas and getting to see my boyfriend, family and friends. My boyfriend and I live a few states apart, so any opportunity I have to spend time with him is particularly welcome, and although my family isn't particularly large, we're fairly close and I enjoy hanging out with my aunt and cousin.

However, I heard from my mother a few days ago that my brother would also be coming home this year. He and his wife live in Chicago, and due to work/money issues, haven't been back to the east coast for the past couple of years. I'm now concerned that I should change my travel/Xmas arrangements. Let me try to explain...

My brother and I weren't too fond of each other growing up, but as we grew older we became a lot closer. When I was in high school I thought of him as a pretty cool guy, and we started getting along better than we had as kids. He was in college at the time, and started experiencing bouts of depression... For some reason, maybe because he felt guilty, right around the time I lost my virginity (when I was a junior in high school), my brother, who was home for the summer, decided he had to get something off his chest.

I have mixed feelings about posting this on an open website, so I hope you all will understand if I'm being kind of hesitant/circumspect in typing it out. I really haven't ever talked to anyone in a long time about it. Basically, my brother said that when I was a little kid he sexually molested me. And he wanted me to forgive him for it.

One of my main problems here (and I think you will agree, there are kind of a lot of problems, right) is that I don't remember this happening at all.

I was deeply shocked and really upset by all this. And angry. I didn't want to see him or talk to him, which was difficult because we were living in the same house, of course. My best friend was also living with us at the time, and I remember the end of this summer being full of a lot of dumb debauchery, as I was trying to not think about it.

Another problem, unfortunately for me, was that my parents, especially my mother, really... took my brother's side, I guess. As I said I was really angry at him, and I think he told our mother the whole thing, and she decided it wasn't anything too severe (of course it wasn't RAPE!), and started berating me for being so cruel to him. I couldn't move to my father's house, since my friend was depending on me/my mother at the time (his family had kicked him out). She insisted I forgive/forget/move on, about a week later my brother went back to school in Brazil, the end.

This all happened six years ago.

Since then I've since had to be cordial to my brother. I went to his wedding, have had visits, family holidays, etc. We're Facebook friends. We have never talked about this "issue" since that summer.

What my family doesn't know is that, during my senior year of high school and my first four years of undergrad, I was severely, suicidally depressed. I felt like I was being cosmically punished for something I didn't even remember happening in the first place.

At the moment, I'm really not sure what to do. Going back to my original reason for posting... I'm still close with the other people in my family, and want to go back home to see my friends and especially my boyfriend. But... I don't want to have to pretend I'm cool with my brother anymore. I would rather just not see him, have to spend time with him and his wife, etc. BUT it's Christmas and there's no way I can get out of going home short of like, faking swine flu without it turning into a whole THING... ugh!

I also don't know how to broach the subject with my boyfriend, but I kind of want to talk about it with him/hear his advice, if any...

Ugh, typing all that out made me realize how much 'Flowers in the Attic' shit this is.

Me right now = >:/

I desperately need advice!
  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded