Goat Friends (frolicnaked) wrote in vaginapagina,
Goat Friends

Signs Your Period Controls Too Much of Your Life

Or, more appropriately, signs my period controls too much of my life. (Disclaimer: Though this is written in the second person, here "you" only necessarily means "me," though anyone else who also identifies with this, well, does.)

-- You believe you may have a physical and/or psychological addiction to heating pads in their various forms.

-- You have trained your dog to function as an insta-ready self-heating pad and to lie down and curl up at the appropriate location next to your body.

-- On the street, you're not at all embarrassed when the driver next to you catches you with your hand down your pants. That was just you, inserting a new stick-on heating pad.

-- On one hand, you laugh at the idea of ibuprofen and acetaminophen managing pain. On the other, you wonder why it's not available in IV form.

-- In order to be able to quantify your bleeding more precisely, you develop a new bleeding scale -- only with yours, heavy bleeding doesn't start until you're going through more than one menstrual product per hour.

-- You wonder whether it makes more sense to measure your blood/fluid loss in pints or litres.

-- Every time you take a shower, you have the overwhelming desire to watch the movie Psycho (be forewarned: links to video containing partial nudity, violence, and graphic depictions of blood).

-- You plan your errands around accessible public toilets; if the place doesn't have one, you don't go.

-- Your largest goal for the day involves not leaking blood onto anything overly expensive or irreparable. All washable surfaces will just have to deal.

-- You seriously consider moving somewhere that sells Tylenol 3 over-the-counter.

-- You have conversations with the characters on your cloth pads. The peace frogs are okay, and the bloody pirate skull is seven kinds of awesome -- but those cheeky little smiling monkeys piss you right the hell off.

-- You have enough focus/energy/pain tolerance to do exactly one physical activity (anything that requires walking or even standing upright for several minutes counts as a physical activity) before you retreat back into the Land of the Fetal Position for the rest of the day.

-- You spend so much time wearing your back wrap heating pad that you forget you are attached to the wall... until, of course, you reach the end of your little electric leash.

-- You're on intimate terms with your bathroom floor.

-- During your period, you regularly misuse Benadryl just so you do not have to be conscious for this anymore.
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