So long story short, from about sometime last fall till the spring we didn't have sex very often because of the pain, and it really starting affecting our relationship. In April I found out he was cheating on me....this was not totally because of the lack of sex, but I would imagine it certainly played a role. We have been working through it and are, in some ways, better than ever since the affair. But I'm wondering if the pain was my emotional pain manifesting into physical pain during sex.
I'm thinking that the pain started initially because my body was reacting to subtle differences in our realtionship....the fact that we were pulling away from each other and that there were unseen problems in our relationship. In the couple weeks after I found out about his affair and we were working to rebuild things, it was like our sex life was given a jolt and we couldn't keep our hands off each other. During this time there was no pain whatsoever and our sex life was better than ever. But in the month or so after me finding out, it slowly dulled again and the pain has returned. I've also noticed that sometimes when he is touching me I often jump and twitch.....like it's uncomfortable or irking me. I WANT him to touch me, but my body says otherwise. So I am thinking the continued pain is a result of me still being hurt by the affair and whatever guard I have up against him. Also, once you experience pain, it's hard not to subconsciously fear it the next time, so I think that is also causing it, I am probably subconsciously tensing and making it more painful. I have been to the doctor and have found no physical reasons for the pain, and I have been off my birth control pills for 3 or 4 months now with no change.
I guess I am wondering if anybody has been through anything like this, or can offer any suggestions whatsoever. Like I said, we're in a much better place now and I am slowly moving past the affair and in some ways our relationship is better than it has ever been. But it's like my body isn't forgetting what he did, and I don't know how to fix something that I seemingly can't control. It also sparks that irrational fear in me that if we cannot have a good sex life, then it could lead to another affair, which of course doesn't help with the pressure I am putting on myself. For a couple months we have avoided intercourse altogether and either did 69 or anal just to keep our sex life alive, but after so long, you miss just having sex and the other stuff doesn't cut it as a substitute anymore. We have sought therapy but never got around to this subject in our few sessions, and now due to insurance issue and lack of funds right now, it's kind of been put on hold. Thanks in advance to anyone who can offer any kind of suggestions or help.