I'm hoping some of you wonderful people could help me out with a problem I've been struggling with. My boyfriend and I have just split up, or at least decided to take a break, because my low self-esteem has created many issues surrounding sex and pornography, among other things. I'm going to be working on becoming more confident, independent and self sufficient. He's going to work on things too, after we we came to the conclusion that he seems to have a problem with providing foreplay.
My problem is that I made his porn use a target for my low self-esteem and blamed it for the lack of foreplay and decline in the frequency we had sex. The rational side of my brain realises how silly I am to think this way, and that the foreplay thing is just his enthusiasm taking over and the lack of sex was from me emasculating him through my overbearing and suppressive attitude. However, even though I know these things I still can't separate his porn use from our problems in my mind. I'm hoping my working on my self-esteem will help to eradicate these beliefs but I was wondering if any of you know of any books or articles that will help me see porn as non-threatening.
I'm pretty desperate to nip this in the bud as I was a much happier person before I convinced myself that porn had any influence over my boyfriend's view of me and my role in our sex life. I'm afraid I'm becoming sex-negative which is not how I used to be at all; I always loved all aspects of sex so long as it involved mutual respect. I even used to actively enjoy porn and would watch it on my own or with my boyfriend regularly.
I don't want to be one of those insecure types who forbids porn in a relationship for fear that it might mean something, and I want to completely remove any negative connotations I've attached to it.
Porn in a fun, healthy and exciting way to express sexuality and I want to believe that again!
I'd like to make it clear that the guy in question has always been very nurturing, patient and eager to please in every way other than his problem with foreplay. We have discussed the lack of foreplay and it is something that he doesn't like about himself and will be working on. If I have ever asked him to slow down he has done so immediately.
He has always made sure I was satisfied and I never missed out on an orgasm during sex, he just gets a bit eager to get into the main act, if you will. I'll repeat that he will be working on this.
Also, I don't particularly want to go into extensive details about it, but I had been exhibiting destructive behaviour for a long time which pushed him further and further away from me. I'm pretty sure no one wants to have sex with a partner who tries to control them and throws a tantrum when she doesn't get her own way.
I'm honestly not taking ALL of the blame, I'm just trying to work on creating a healthier mind-set that will allow me to be more accepting and understanding of my partner's sexuality.