VaginaPagina

Okay I don't want to sound harsh but isn't it time to call CPS now? I mean I could be overreacting but this is what I would do.

I'd personally suggest splitting the difference -- explain to her that as she grows, she will start producing odors under her arms (and other places), and she needs to at least take a wet washcloth to the areas which A: have odor, and B: show dirt (like the back of the neck...). Depending what her weekdays are like, a fast scrub with a damp washcloth (or paper towel) might be a lot more feasible than a whole shower (especially if she has sensory issues with water in her face; I had to get my kid a shower-handle-stand that could be mounted below the level of her head). I know that often, between after-school stuff, homework, and dinner... Frankly, baths/showers are usually a weekend thing over here, too, unless the kid's been falling in the mud or something.

(And also remember that people perceive odors very differently! Stuff that my mom thinks stinks ("no, mom, I did use deodorant; yes, mom, I did wash this"), I wave at my spouse and he shrugs. So what you think is a stinky kid may or may not be being perceived as such by her mom, or herself. Mind, flipping this back around can be something you explain to the kid! "Yes, I know you don't think you're a stinky kid, but other people's noses are different. Some people won't think you're kind of odiferous, but other people will, and it's polite to try to minimize odor. Grab that washcloth when you're at home!")

And, finally... There are a lot of studies that suggest people are getting too clean and it's causing allergies and asthma! The main reason for cleanliness is more politeness to others (which is certainly a good reason!); remember that Queen Elizabeth I was extremely clean in her time! Why, she took a bath every month, whether she needed it or not! And she lived to nearly 70.

Have you tried explaining to her why she needs to shower? I'd say something about how otherwise she will smell badly, and that as she grows up and her body changes the odour will increase (and it's also a good idea for health reasons). If telling her about her health does nothing telling her about the smell and the fact that as she also gets older people will start taking issue with it may motivate her.

What Beth said, about relative sensitivities to smell, and explaining to her that bathing is mostly something we do so other people won't think we're smelly / dirty, and who would want that ? Maybe emphasize that you and her dad want her to be pretty(and healthy!), and being relatively clean is a part of that ? I find it's tricky because there's a risk of making her feel worthless if she doesn't bathe every day, and the fact that she doesn't understand why she should do it, so why bother if she can just lie about it...? Maybe, when she's over at yours, instead of questionning her and blaming her, try to make it a positive ritual, let her pick her own scented soap, bubbles and what not, to get her all pretty and clean, make her feel good and special about it ? Also offer her some to take home with her. She might take the habit on her own after a while... She's only 7 and she's likely to become increasingly aware of what people may think of her as she grows older.


But at the end of the day, I feel this is a parenting issue the mom and dad should discuss, for the kid's well-being.

Edited at 2012-11-10 05:55 pm (UTC)

Have you tried asking her (in a conversation away from any potential heated debate about the showering) why she doesn't shower or why lies to you about showering?

And is it possible she's wary of showering more often because she gets itchy skin if she showers more often?
(This is what happens to me if I shower more than once a week, and it can take two or three weeks for the itchiness to go away again, I would lie without hesitation if I felt someone was trying to make me shower more often. A flannel under the arms is about as far as I seem to need to go between showers most of the time.)

At that age, the most effective way to get her to bathe is to make it fun. If there's a tub at either of her houses, can she try bubble baths? Bath toys? If showers are her only option, could she pick out her favorite soaps or use hair curlers on her wet hair?

I'm not sure it is so critical to teach her habits now, though. When she gets older, when her body changes and she becomes more self-conscious about it, it's quite possible she'll turn to more frequent showers all on her own.

Side note: I'm uncomfortable hearing the word "nasty" used describe any person and especially a woman. If her hygiene is problematic, if you find her BO offensive, if her house is messy -- just say that. But it's so easy for women to internalize the idea that they're gross, that their bodies are gross, and that they need to go to special effort to make sure they don't offend anybody, and "nasty" is one of the words I've most often heard describing things that aren't really that gross at all. "She doesn't shave her legs, it's so nasty." That kind of thing.

I'm not sure from your post whether you are trying to make sure she bathes while at her mom's house or at yours. If it's the former, let it go. At 7, she doesn't need to bathe daily. She does still need good private parts hygine, and you can talk to her about that, but that can be accomplished without a shower.

if you are thinking she needs to take a shower at least once a week -- that's true. Offer her nice smelling bath gel (or take her shopping for her to pick it), ask what parts she hates the most, to see if they can be minimized. E.g. i she hates washing her hair because it's hard to brush, tell her she doesn't need to use shampoo, it's ok to use only conditioner, or get a special detangling conditioner or something.

If you are constantly on her case, no wonder she's resisting. Just show her that you do it, that her father does it; talk to her about her changing body and about yeast infections, etc., if she doesn't wash her private parts. But also -- just take her as she is. So she smells when she comes from her mom's, don't ask her if she's showered (don't put her in a position where she feels she has to lie to stay in good graces) -- just offer to run a nice bath for her right there and then or help her wash herself.

In general, I'd recommend reading up on kids that age. They talk and they seem like they are all grown up, but they aren't. Oh, and her menses are still five years away. Five years is long enough to learn how to shower.

I don't see this as a big issue. By the time she reaches puberty and starts noticing boys (or other girls, whatever the case may be), she'll start bathing and primping all on her own. At that point peer pressure will also play a far greater role than any parenting. As my Grandma used to say, "A little dirt never hurt anyone." ;o)

I had a friend in college who grew up dirt poor, and part of the way things worked at her house was that nobody showered more than once a week. I think her shower or water not working regularly was part of the reason, but it became a cultural thing for her because nobody explained to her that most people in this country shower at least every other day.

I also know that growing up in my house, I didn't want to shower because the house was too cold in the winter, and being naked in the bathroom was just an unpleasant experience for other reasons.

It's also worth mentioning that if there is molestation or abuse (physical OR emotional) going on in the house, a kid might not want to shower because getting naked in a common room is scary.

Yes, I think it's a good idea to explain the purpose of showering and make a compromise with her. It's important to rule out some of the more systemic, bigger issues that might be playing a role in her behavior.

Ultimately though? She's 7. Her body isn't yet going through hormonal changes that make her more odorous or oily. If she only bathes once a week (more if she's been jumping in mud puddles or at soccer practice), it's really not a big deal. As long as she has a daily grooming habit of brushing her teeth and washing her face, you're teaching her how to take care of herself. The degree to which she will need to clean her body will increase with time. That time is not now.

do you also have problems getting her to take a bath or shower while at yours? as others have mentioned, but it really does make sense to repeat it, could ask what they dislike the most?

a silly as it sounds, but 7 year olds aren't all that smart and if her mum isn't big into the whole hygiene thing it could also just be an unpleasant experience because she doesn't know the options.

my mum wouldn't let me have short hair, i had to endure crying every morning when she would forcefully brush it and take chunks out of it and it was worse after washing because my mum didn't know what conditoner was, or maybe it didn't exist back then, but i doubt it. when she discovered conditioner, you know it says you have to rinse cold on the back of the packet? (or used to?) so yeah, then it became the pick between ice cold friggin shower or no conditioner, so still not amazing. so people don't know bugger all about how to make taking care of yourself not a massive chore... maybe you can find out what the bad parts are for her and work out ways to make the experience more similar to the kind of experience a grown-up has?

I guess what I am mostly looking for is either books or websites that are kid friendly that she could read. Us talking to her is just starting to upset her. But she loves to read. Are there any books out there that are written for little girls that talk about how to take care of your body?

I would be extremely careful about constantly hounding and interrogating her over showers in that it may give her some issues. Aside from that I echo the above suggestions, stop trying to force and turn it more into a game. You also might want to take the suggestion of reading up on that age range to get an idea of what is "normal" and a better idea of how to respond.

If it were me? I'd take her somewhere like Bath and Body works (or heck even a local chain store) into the bath row and make it fun for her to pick out a shampoo/conditioner/bubblebath/soap. That way it's more of a "HEY I WANT TO DO THIS" as opposed to they're going to force me to do it..

Also might look into the bath time markers (you can draw on walls and it washes right off) and toys, maybe even a big fluffy special robe she can wear after bubbletime! Don't have to go overboard or anything, just keep it "light hearted" and "fun" the rest will come on it's own. When she sees it isn't a battle and gets to play with special toy in bath or gets to wear big floofy robe she'll get the idea.

Maybe rather than trying a front-door approach of explaining/arguing what she's doubtless heard before, go around back. Take her to Bath and Body Works or LUSH and let her pick out stuff that smells good, and a fancy loofa and then encourage her to try it so you can see what it smells like. You can even let her pick out lots of those little sample sizes so she can take them to her mom's house and will be maybe more likely to use them.

I really don't think it's that big a deal. Up until I was about 10, me and my siblings usually had a bath only once a week - Sunday evening before school started again. Occasionally we'd have a mid-week bath if we were really dirty, but that wasn't often and we were all fine. As I got older, I just naturally started taking more baths and showers.

I know that different people have different thoughts about what is acceptable. But she is young, and if it is getting to the point where she is actually lying to get you guys to drop it, I think you should leave it alone and come back to it in a year or so when she is a bit older.

Doesn't sound like a big deal to me. I only used to bath 2 times a week or so when I was a kid. It didn't have any negative effects on my health. Dare I say it's probably better to shower less often because soaps are harsh and can really do a number on your skin and hair if it's dry like mine. Plus, studies show that kids who are allowed to play in the dirt and get dirty are healthier and get sick less often.

My only suggestion is to try to find things that will make showers funner for her. Maybe she'll take a bubblebath? Is the soap burning her eyes? Get her the tear free stuff.

Visiting your local library and looking for picture books that explain basic hygiene practices might be a place you could start. Ask your local Childrens Librarian and they should be able to direct you to some books that they hold. This website gives a few titles that cover the topic. (It's also a great website for lots of other special situation picture books). If they're a bit to young for her there may be other non-fiction books for younger readers that discuss that. Given some of the previous comments that mention this isn't a problem until she gets a bit older, there are a whole stack of books for pre-pubescent children about puberty and hygiene.

Some anecdotal experience from the other side of the fence - I used to hate showering when I was a kid, up to about 12 or so. My brother and I were expected to shower every day though, so I often took to running the shower as if I were actually bathing, but really I was just sitting in the bathroom fully clothed, reading or whatever. I didn't really like washing my hair because it was very long and took ages to dry, hated the feeling of wet tiles under my feet, thought showering was really boring and was cutting into fun time and in hindsight I think there was something weird with the water pressure in the bathroom I was using which meant the water was never warm or strong enough. For phobia-related reasons, I also *loathed* washing my neck (or touching it, actually), so sometimes my mum had to step in and do something because I'd never scrub dirt off it on my own, even when I did shower. So yeah, a whole combination of things that meant I showered maaaaaybe twice a week at best.

Whatever the problems were, though, I grew out of them independently when I started hitting puberty and things like B.O. actually became relevant to my life. Also, on a somewhat less positive note, I also started growing out of it when I was 11 and boys in my year 5 class began teasing me for having hair on my legs. I think that got the ball rolling on a phase where I thought my body was gross and awful and I had to change it to be "presentable". To their credit, my parents never contributed to that pressure. I don't know the situation with you and G, but as I'm sure you know, children are very impressionable, and if you are being very strong on the message of cleanliness, there is a risk she might believe she is wrong and dirty the way she is. Which could backfire pretty badly in future.

I don't think it's necessary to worry too much about it now while there's the strong chance she too will come around to the whole process. I also think that it isn't necessary for a seven year old to bathe every day as long as she is wiping properly when she goes to the bathroom and washing her hands before meals/after playing outside etc. I'm also of the opinion that describing someone as nasty for not showering every day isn't really fair at all and I'm with the other couple of posters who were side-eyeing that statement.

If you're really worried and want to do something about it, I agree with everyone who has said that making the process fun and laying off the pressure would be a good idea. Good luck!

I kind of skimmed the comments, but I didn't see anyone ask this:

Is it possible that she has a reason to not want to bathe at mom's house? Does mom have a boyfriend that might be making the girl uncomfortable?

I used to work with troubled girls, and many of them had issues around bathing, and generally it also had to do with BAD THINGS happening there.

eh. i went through several years of my childhood hating bathing and doing it as little as possible. i smelled and was gross but at the time i just didnt care. idk how much i'd stress it.