VaginaPagina

Not a thing I ever thought I would ever say. I've had two partners in my whole life, and used condoms with both until I felt comfortable with them (which isn't to say I'm less deserving or whatever, illness don't discriminate; I'm just more surprised than if I'd had a long string of sexual partners in my past). I'm going through what I assume must be the usual reaction: some combination of shock and denial, followed by numbness, followed by a lame attempt at telling myself it means absolutely nothing and says nothing about me as a human being, and that it'll all be okay, my life isn't over, I can still do all the things I want, aside from having irresponsible sex, which isn't something I thought I was having anyway (and possibly a threesome, which was on my bucket list and will probably stay there forever now). I have a bit of anger, both at myself for being an idiot and making myself susceptible to it (and I guess for not getting tested sooner or something, I don't know), and for not insisting on my boyfriend getting tested before we moved to condomless sex, or sex at all (but we sort of had a one-night stand that turned into many night stands before we were dating; these things happen I guess), because he's had like, six partners before me and had never been tested. But I guess we both fell victim to the delusion that we could never possibly have anything because we're white and middle class and aren't that that promiscuous, and STIs only happen to people who party hard and can't remember their partners' names, right?

Anyway, I'm still just waiting on results, but I feel confident that it's going to come back positive. My physical symptoms seem to be textbook case, and the doctor debated with himself whether or not to start me on a treatment right then and there, saying that if it works, then I know I have it, at which point he said, "I'll just call you back in in two weeks." He wanted to biopsy one of my sores, but they're extremely painful just to touch, and one is located very close to my clitoris, so we went to the blood test route.

I guess I just need some moral support. Since yesterday (when I went to my gyno) I haven't felt like myself. I feel restless and like someone just shoved me into a body I didn't ask for (even though I clearly didn't do anything to protect myself, or I wouldn't be in this situation). Normally, I feel sexy being naked with my boyfriend; now I feel like I want to put layers and layers of clothes on and just hide myself, because, even though he's likely the one I got it from, what if he breaks out in hideous sores all over his body because of me or something crazy stupid like that? I'm sure I feel worse because of the physical pain and discomfort I'm in, but still. I'm stuck at this point of "what do I do now?" Do I call my parents with the news? Do I change my Facebook status? Do I have to buy all new clothes? Start saving money to pay for costly daily medication? I'm supposed to be at the beach this weekend. Can I wear a bathing suit? Is swimming with herpes like swimming when you're on your period, and it's just one of those courtesy things you don't do (unless you have a menstrual cup or tampon in), because you could infect other people or the fish or something? In my head, I know nothing has changed, but in my heart I feel like everything has changed.

What are my chances of getting a false positive or false negative because of getting the blood test done? I hear it's far less reliable than biopsying a sore. Is it true they can tell how long you've had the virus from looking at the blood test results?

Does anyone have suggestions for managing the pain and discomfort? Mostly it hurts the most when I pee. This morning I went to the bathroom when I woke up, and I haven't felt burning pain that bad since I had a cyst lanced when I was younger and was essentially peeing on an open sore while it was healing up. I had to grit my teeth to keep from screaming.

And please someone tell me I can feel like myself again once I've adjusted. I feel like an unlovable, unsexy leper. The only thing keeping me from putting a paper bag on my head is the fact that my boyfriend is incredibly supportive. I came home from my appointment and started to cry as soon as I saw him, and he immediately gathered me up into his arms and told me it was going to be okay. And he accepts responsibility if it turns out the blood tests show I've only hard it since the last year and a half, and he's going to get tested himself, and he says he still loves me forever no matter what and that we can still get married and have babies. So there's that. But I still feel like a disappointment or something.