Not a thing I ever thought I would ever say. I've had two partners in my whole life, and used condoms with both until I felt comfortable with them (which isn't to say I'm less deserving or whatever, illness don't discriminate; I'm just more surprised than if I'd had a long string of sexual partners in my past). I'm going through what I assume must be the usual reaction: some combination of shock and denial, followed by numbness, followed by a lame attempt at telling myself it means absolutely nothing and says nothing about me as a human being, and that it'll all be okay, my life isn't over, I can still do all the things I want, aside from having irresponsible sex, which isn't something I thought I was having anyway (and possibly a threesome, which was on my bucket list and will probably stay there forever now). I have a bit of anger, both at myself for being an idiot and making myself susceptible to it (and I guess for not getting tested sooner or something, I don't know), and for not insisting on my boyfriend getting tested before we moved to condomless sex, or sex at all (but we sort of had a one-night stand that turned into many night stands before we were dating; these things happen I guess), because he's had like, six partners before me and had never been tested. But I guess we both fell victim to the delusion that we could never possibly have anything because we're white and middle class and aren't that that promiscuous, and STIs only happen to people who party hard and can't remember their partners' names, right?
Anyway, I'm still just waiting on results, but I feel confident that it's going to come back positive. My physical symptoms seem to be textbook case, and the doctor debated with himself whether or not to start me on a treatment right then and there, saying that if it works, then I know I have it, at which point he said, "I'll just call you back in in two weeks." He wanted to biopsy one of my sores, but they're extremely painful just to touch, and one is located very close to my clitoris, so we went to the blood test route.
I guess I just need some moral support. Since yesterday (when I went to my gyno) I haven't felt like myself. I feel restless and like someone just shoved me into a body I didn't ask for (even though I clearly didn't do anything to protect myself, or I wouldn't be in this situation). Normally, I feel sexy being naked with my boyfriend; now I feel like I want to put layers and layers of clothes on and just hide myself, because, even though he's likely the one I got it from, what if he breaks out in hideous sores all over his body because of me or something crazy stupid like that? I'm sure I feel worse because of the physical pain and discomfort I'm in, but still. I'm stuck at this point of "what do I do now?" Do I call my parents with the news? Do I change my Facebook status? Do I have to buy all new clothes? Start saving money to pay for costly daily medication? I'm supposed to be at the beach this weekend. Can I wear a bathing suit? Is swimming with herpes like swimming when you're on your period, and it's just one of those courtesy things you don't do (unless you have a menstrual cup or tampon in), because you could infect other people or the fish or something? In my head, I know nothing has changed, but in my heart I feel like everything has changed.
What are my chances of getting a false positive or false negative because of getting the blood test done? I hear it's far less reliable than biopsying a sore. Is it true they can tell how long you've had the virus from looking at the blood test results?
Does anyone have suggestions for managing the pain and discomfort? Mostly it hurts the most when I pee. This morning I went to the bathroom when I woke up, and I haven't felt burning pain that bad since I had a cyst lanced when I was younger and was essentially peeing on an open sore while it was healing up. I had to grit my teeth to keep from screaming.
And please someone tell me I can feel like myself again once I've adjusted. I feel like an unlovable, unsexy leper. The only thing keeping me from putting a paper bag on my head is the fact that my boyfriend is incredibly supportive. I came home from my appointment and started to cry as soon as I saw him, and he immediately gathered me up into his arms and told me it was going to be okay. And he accepts responsibility if it turns out the blood tests show I've only hard it since the last year and a half, and he's going to get tested himself, and he says he still loves me forever no matter what and that we can still get married and have babies. So there's that. But I still feel like a disappointment or something.
Anyway, I'm still just waiting on results, but I feel confident that it's going to come back positive. My physical symptoms seem to be textbook case, and the doctor debated with himself whether or not to start me on a treatment right then and there, saying that if it works, then I know I have it, at which point he said, "I'll just call you back in in two weeks." He wanted to biopsy one of my sores, but they're extremely painful just to touch, and one is located very close to my clitoris, so we went to the blood test route.
I guess I just need some moral support. Since yesterday (when I went to my gyno) I haven't felt like myself. I feel restless and like someone just shoved me into a body I didn't ask for (even though I clearly didn't do anything to protect myself, or I wouldn't be in this situation). Normally, I feel sexy being naked with my boyfriend; now I feel like I want to put layers and layers of clothes on and just hide myself, because, even though he's likely the one I got it from, what if he breaks out in hideous sores all over his body because of me or something crazy stupid like that? I'm sure I feel worse because of the physical pain and discomfort I'm in, but still. I'm stuck at this point of "what do I do now?" Do I call my parents with the news? Do I change my Facebook status? Do I have to buy all new clothes? Start saving money to pay for costly daily medication? I'm supposed to be at the beach this weekend. Can I wear a bathing suit? Is swimming with herpes like swimming when you're on your period, and it's just one of those courtesy things you don't do (unless you have a menstrual cup or tampon in), because you could infect other people or the fish or something? In my head, I know nothing has changed, but in my heart I feel like everything has changed.
What are my chances of getting a false positive or false negative because of getting the blood test done? I hear it's far less reliable than biopsying a sore. Is it true they can tell how long you've had the virus from looking at the blood test results?
Does anyone have suggestions for managing the pain and discomfort? Mostly it hurts the most when I pee. This morning I went to the bathroom when I woke up, and I haven't felt burning pain that bad since I had a cyst lanced when I was younger and was essentially peeing on an open sore while it was healing up. I had to grit my teeth to keep from screaming.
And please someone tell me I can feel like myself again once I've adjusted. I feel like an unlovable, unsexy leper. The only thing keeping me from putting a paper bag on my head is the fact that my boyfriend is incredibly supportive. I came home from my appointment and started to cry as soon as I saw him, and he immediately gathered me up into his arms and told me it was going to be okay. And he accepts responsibility if it turns out the blood tests show I've only hard it since the last year and a half, and he's going to get tested himself, and he says he still loves me forever no matter what and that we can still get married and have babies. So there's that. But I still feel like a disappointment or something.
You're gonna be okay. ♥
It may take some time, but it will be okay. We are always here to talk if you need it! :)
This is awful to go through, I know, and I felt pretty much exactly all the things you are feeling. I was pretty devastated and fucked up for a while, but learned to deal, and yes, got back to feeling like myself again. It is SO FUCKING HORRIBLE but you will be okay. (And hey I didn't have a supportive partner, which I hope helps you! I caught it from a one-night-stand - yes, we did use a condom. It happened anyway FML.)
I can tell you that for me, it was only the first episode that was so utterly horrifying - the medication works, the following breakouts were nowhere near as severe (like one sore, a bit of tenderness, that was it) and they came less frequently over time, just like it's supposed to work.
Just to let you know, approximately 1 in 4 females and 1 in 5 males are positive for herpes, but majority don't even know it. Because in many cases it is subclinical(asymptomatic), and some people may be positive for many years or decades before they get their first outbreak, or they might not get it ever. Above statistics are for USA. It is varies slightly for different countries(or lots for some countries). You can google it up.
Regarding having it for years and being asymptomatic -- my doctor said that chances of having it for a while and not getting an outbreak until now are pretty low; the reason I bring this up is because if I got it from my current boyfriend, no big deal. I'm planning on loving him and sticking with him forever anyway. But if it's from my ex, I'm just itching to call him up with an angry message to convey.
And I'm glad to know that my feelings aren't totally abnormal and that it does get better (I guess it's the same with anything). I feel like it's something that will always be in the back of my mind. Like this morning. I was cooking pancakes, and I had the thoughts, "I'm making pancakes I probably have herpes." I hope it won't always be that way.
Is the medication expensive? I'm lucky enough to have insurance right now, and I already take birth control everyday, which isn't free for me, and being in sort of a less than ideal financial situation makes paying for another medication a bit of a concern for me. :x
L-Lysine helps some, I think. It's a little hard to tell because I have gotten so fed up with my oral herpes that if I notice it For Definite, I slam it with the anti-virals -- but I take extra L-Lysine for "maybe?" so if the maybe becomes "no," I don't know if it never was, or if the Lysine helped. *wry*
*offers hugs*
Don't beat yourself up about not having your partner(s) get tested. You see, most STD tests won't test for herpes. It's because of a combination of oral herpes -- aka cold sores -- being so amazingly common, and prior decades' herpes tests being a bit unreliable. So people have to ask specifically to be tested for HSV. And even testing doesn't say where someone might have viral shedding; maybe they have antibodies to HSV-1. It could be oral, or it could, almost as easily, be genital. HSV-2 can go oral as well, though it is even better behaved there than HSV-1 is genitally.
If you test negative, you may want to test in another couple months; if you are having your very first outbreak, your immune system may not have built up enough antibodies to HSV to be detectable on a test. On the other hand, if you test negative on a good test brand, it pretty well does mean the vector is your current partner, and not a former one. (And if he's the vector, then he will have antibodies, so the only precautions I would take would be to avoid mucous membranes when/if someone has an outbreak.)
The only clothing I'd suggest buying would be a nicely opaque, longish skirt, in case you would feel better going commando while healing.
You have absolutely, 100% no need to tell anyone you're not sleeping with, or change your FaceBook status, unless you decide to go on a crusade to remind people that herpes can affect more people than one might think, and cold sores are herpes, and people with herpes (oral or genital or both) are still people, and it's just a stupid virus. If you want to go on that crusade, I would totally support you! But you might want to wait till you are feeling a bit less emotionally vulnerable.
One thing that genital herpes means, that oral herpes doesn't, is that if you are having an outbreak, you might need to have a C-section if you ever have kids of your body. Eye-herpes is not good, and brain-herpes is worse. However, you might also simply go on suppressive doses near your due date, to minimize the chances. (On the flip side, if you only have genital herpes, it is hiding in your spine far away from your brain. Unlike my oral herpes, which is right up there in the vicinity of my face, and which has shown signs of wandering to the nose or down the side of my chin, once. OH HAI NITEMARE FULE I HAZ IT. *facepalm* Rare. Very rare. I remind myself about that.)
Obviously, if you are having an outbreak, don't touch your genital area and then your mouth or eyes, without washing your hands first. (30 seconds and soap will do. Alternatively, if you don't have access to soap, but are sure your hands have been dried for a minute or two, that should be pretty safe.)
If your partner has antibodies, that means that, basically, he'd be immune. If his immune system is compromised, he could get infected in the other area (as, if your immune system is weak, you could auto-infect -- and the eyes are always a little vulnerable), but in general, if you avoid mucous-membrane contact during outbreaks... Well, that's the risk that I and my spouse are willing to take; he thinks he had cold sores as a kid and I definitely have had them, so we just avoid contact if I have an outbreak. Which doesn't mean that I haven't gotten up from, shall we say, giving mucous membrane contact... looked in a mirror, and gone, "OH CRAP! WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN??" and lunged for the anti-virals. But despite that, no obvious outbreaks have occurred on the spouse's mucous membranes since we've been married.
...This is long and rambly but I hope it helps a little!
I guess the good news is that we're certain he does have oral herpes, but he says he's not noticed anything that resembles an outbreak for him in the almost year and a half that we've been together. Which doesn't mean he hasn't been shedding while giving special kisses, which is my guess on how I'm in this mess to begin with. If I'm understanding you correctly (and I'm sure I'll get more information on this in two weeks when I go back to get my test results), abstaining from sex if I'm having an outbreak (while not 100% effective), is fairly effective in protecting him from getting the genital version back?
If he has the antibodies, then there is a good chance that even if you had sex during an outbreak, he'd be fine -- the antibodies are all over, and would protect from a genital version. It's not 100%, of course, but almost nothing in life is 100%. Still, when having an outbreak, that's when one is definitely potentially contagious, so avoiding sex then would probably be more reassuring for you at a minimum. (And him as well, potentially.)
I'm glad I was helpful! (And I might try to be more helpful, but I'm getting Distraction right now...)
Thinking good thoughts atcha!
Did you know that A: the immune system parks "alert!" cells on the neurons that herpes uses to run up and down from its hiding place in the spine, to keep HSV in check, and B: herpes actually depresses the immune system to cause an outbreak? I can probably dig up those references at need, but it was kind of cool. In an annoying way, regarding B.)
That actually doesn't surprise me. Viruses are weird things.
...I may have my doctor very nearly stubborned into submission, though. >_> I had my spouse call and say, "Need Codeine! Coughing!" And they called it in to the pharmacy.
(Oh, I'm not in the US, so probably can't help with the cost thing, sorry. Quite different health system over here.)
Anyway, just take it one step at a time. It sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive boyfriend, and you have everybody here who is very knowledgeable and supportive. Everything will be ok!
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch. It sounds like the feedback you've gotten here has been helpful, though, and I hope that it continues to be. :)
That said, I'm writing as a VP maintainer with a request regarding our safe space policy. Would you mind editing your post so that it does not include the word "lame" to mean "ineffectual," or the word "crazy" to mean "bad/ridiculous"? Using those terms that way can be alienating and hurtful to some members.
This is a friendly reminder to please review VP's policies to help us make VP a nicer place for everyone. You can follow these links for more information:
Please don't think we're scolding you or don't want you here. We issue these reminders to help our members acknowledge and include everyone, and to help keep VP a safe space for all. We hope you'll continue to participate in VP with this in mind. Safe space means a lot to many of our members, and it's amazing how much we can help just by being a little more careful with what we say.
If you'd like to talk more, your thoughts are welcome in
Thanks for understanding, and hope you're feeling better.
Jocey
for the VP Team