VaginaPagina

For me, sex can be a wide range of things like manual stimulation (e.g., fingering), oral sex, or penetrative sex (which manual stimulation can go under).

My definition of sex has changed from a heteronormative idea of sex (penis-in-vagina) to a more inclusive definition. This happened when I discarded the idea of virginity. My first time having sex was special, but the idea of virginity is ultimately harmful. Not only that, but it doesn't count oral sex, anal sex, and manual stimulation as sex, which excludes a lot of people in the queer community.

When I say I've had sex, I'm referring to any activity that my partner and I experience together that results in an orgasm for at least one of us. For my particular relationship this may include anything and everything from phone sex to touching each other or using toys in person.

While processing my sexuality and beginning the coming-out process as a young teenager I only slept with men and at that time the only definition of sex I had was PIV. As I grew older and accepted that I was never going to be comfortable living any life other than that of an out lesbian, my definition changed.

I guess I kind of know it when I have it, if that makes any sense. I've only ever had sex with two people in my life, one of whom was was a cis-gendered female, and one of whom was a cis-gendered male. Obviously there was no p in the v with the female, so that definition doesn't really work for me. I also don't usually count purely oral sex, although I think if someone else does it's perfectly legitimate, because it's just usually not as meaningful a thing for me as other forms of sex.

My definition, for many years, has been this one I came up with myself. I've been trying to spread it around because I think it's useful. :)

Sex is whatever all the people involved agree is sex.

If all the people involved don't agree about whether or not it's sex, they probably should have talked about it a bit more. :D

I've had the "was that sex?" conversation before, usually complete with chuckles. Fact is, I couldn't make the answer be about anatomy or sexual acts - because I've done things with men that were definitely not sex, but if I'd done them with women they would have been. Heh.

It's also fine to just call it all "sexual activities" and be more specific about the details, but I still like the parsimony of my definition. :D

I usually define sex as "Any activity in which one or more people have an orgasm or are sexually stimulated".

This definition has changed over the years, as I've had more experience with non-penetrative sexplorations with both genders, and this is the most inclusive definition I've found so far. However, at the same time I realized that I don't really care if something is labelled as "sex" or not. I just realized that an act may not be labelled as "sex" by one person but it can still be more intimate than the act they do label as "sex", which makes it more special/important IMHO. And if I see it as more special, when society tells me that "sex" is special, what's the point of labeling something as "sex"?

Anyway, that may not have made much sense. Basically I question the need to label something as "sex, because the connotation of sex (currently PIV sex) makes it somehow more special than another form of intimacy, which isn't necessarily correct.

I identify as heterosexual, so sex to me is good ol' PIV. It's simple, it works for me. In the case of oral or manual sex I would refer to that as "blowing" or "fingering".

If a friend mentions to me that they've had sex with someone, I don't say "really! what did you do, exactly?", making sure it fits my definition of sex. I just accept their definition for whatever it may be.

I define sex as anything that brings either my partner or I to orgasm.

To me, the definition changes based on who's saying it. When I say I had sex, I mean PIV. I think of oral and manual stimulation as sexual activities that definitely count as different types of sex, but that's just not how I use the word. A,though I don't expect the people I talk with to use the same words the same way, I do have a few built-in assumptions. I tend to assume people in heterosexual relationships mean PIV sex when they refer to sex, I tend to assume people with penises mean anal sex when they refer to sex, and I tend to assume people with vaginas mean oral/manual/strap-on sex when they refer to sex.

I'm surprised at all the people that say sex is sex when someone orgasms; perhaps they're able to orgasm more frequently than I am. I'd say sex is what you get when (at least) two people are doing something to each other's/their own genitalia for pleasure. Or something.

Being sexual with another person.

Being told "fuck me" while stimulating a partner orally has to be one of the most thrilling sexual moments ever :p And it worked in my head (did I continue to think about it during that moment? Absolutely) since I really didn't see what was so different per se between me stimulating his penis with my vagina vs. my mouth, and why one would be "sex" and the other wouldn't, unless someone defines sex as there being a risk for pregnancy.

My definitions of sex have changed a lot over the years. I think, like most people, it probably started as something like PIV, because that's usually what schools or parents tell kids is sex. When I was coming out the first time around as lesbian, I had to think about what was sex if I probably wasn't going to have a penis in my vag. I think then I would have defined sex as something to do with stimulating genitals.

Nowadays, I define sex as something like "any consensual stimulation with the goal of causing sexual pleasure."

What works for me about my current definition is that that it includes masturbation, says that abuse is not sex, doesn't refer to specific acts or body parts (and actually doesn't say anyone needs to be touching anything), and isn't based around orgasm.

So this definition comes about because I'm queer, and trans and I have sex with people with all sorts of different bodies and genders. I still haven't had PIV (and am not sure I'm going to, as it can be pretty dysphoric). And I also think it's weird that fucking myself often doesn't get counted as sex. But sometimes when I masturbate, it has little to do with pleasure (like my body is turned on and it's triggering or dysphoric, so I need to turn it off, or when I'm really depressed and I need some endorphins), so I specify that sex (for me) has some relationship to sexual pleasure). I don't usually cum with partners, which is why orgasm isn't the goal in my definition.

fwiw sex ed in my middle school did include masturbation as a type of sex (we were all given types of sex on cards, and we would read it out and then decide if it was a type of sex that was free of STI/pregnancy risk or no) that was "safe." Mine was cyber sex :D

Sex to me usually means PIV but it depends who's using the word I guess.

I agree with someone above that I still include other types of sex (oral/manual) within the definition, it's just that when I say "we had sex" I typically mean "we had PIV."

Sadly, for me, the rock-bottom instinct is PIV. That said, VP has gotten me to re-train myself so that I usually remember that there are all kinds of sexual activities that can be sex! O:>

Anything where one of the goals is to provide sexual pleasure, not necessarily orgasm, usually by direct stimulating the genitals. So, manual, oral, anal, and vaginal penetration are all sex, as is using a toy on the outside of genitals. Nipple play is not sex to me, but maybe if it was part of an extended tease where everything but the genitals was stimulated? Because that certainly sounds like sex in my mind!

From a health care and education standpoint, I think that the focus on PIV--or even "it's sex if both people think it's sex"--is problematic. It leads to the misconception that sexual activity doesn't lead to STIs and pregnancy simply because the people involved don't personally call what they're doing "sex".

I lost my virginity at 25, which to me means that I had partnered sex of some type (in this case, manual). Having lost the label that caused me so much anxiety let me feel more comfortable and confident when I went on to have PIV and oral sex for the first time, with a different partner.

Edited at 2012-04-24 06:27 am (UTC)

I don't really like the word 'sex' so I try to avoid it, but for me 'sex' is really anything that is sexually stimulating for two or multiple people, so oral/fingering/heavy petting/Penis-in-Vagina/Penis-in-Anywhere/Whatever can be sex.
Though it might sound childish, I prefer things like 'sexytimes' because then people don't get all wrapped up in 'So was just the tip of his penis in your vagina or was it the whole shebang?'. 'Sexytimes' feels more inclusive than 'sex' to me.
I don't like the word because to my partner, 'sex' is strictly 'Penis in Vagina', which feels a bit off to me because having someone's dingdong in my hooha doesn't magically make sexytimes more meaningful or better. The truth is all the activities aside from PIV have been more educational, enjoyable and meaningful for me, and if they're not 'sex'... well, have I been playing ping-pong all this time? I think not. :P

sex:
any consensual stimulation between two or more partners with the goal of causing sexual pleasure, and is agreed upon by all to be sex.

This is mixing [info]gryphonwing's and [info]also_warriors's descriptions, because I feel that this definition, for me, needs to involve communication and understanding, and to make sexual pleasure the main goal, not orgasms.

sexytimes, (as above) is what a partner from a few years ago called this fun and activities: I have enjoyed this word, the connatations and plans ever since.

I think it's pretty much just any stimulation of the genitals, pretty much. In a sexual and consensual manner, of course.

For me, sex is anything that involves me with at least one other person having fun in a way that feels good *lol* I've had so many different experiences, with so many different people, that it's literally impossible to define it further! It's definitely changed over the years and I love how fluid it's become to include almost anything :-)