2:40 am - 01/07/2009

Relaxing before sex.

I've posted here before about not being able to have sex because it's too painful. I got some great answers and information, and am thinking about seeing my gyno for it. However, I'm still under my parent's insurance (I'm 19) and they're strict about sex and I don't feel comfortable bringing it up to them, so I'm trying to save that for last.

I'm wondering if there are any good tips/suggestions on how to relax before sex. I'm hoping that the pain is just from me being nervous/tense and that doing some sort of relaxing can help. Plenty of foreplay and lube have been used in past attempts, but it didn't work. I've been told to have a glass or two of wine, but since I'm 19, I can't get alcohol and I would rather have my first actual sexual experience completely sober, anyway.

I have muscle relaxers but I don't really want to have to resort to that. Maybe a warm bath would help? 

If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to reply.

Thank you :) 
diamondxavenue 7th-Jan-2009 09:06 am (UTC)
According to a book I read recently, pain is very much a mental process - e.g. you can definitely make pain worse by fearing something. I think maybe you could try NOT trying to have sex: e.g. if you start to let things get hot and heavy, try not to have sex in mind and try not to THINK about it too much. It'll probably be pretty tricky, but it's all about just... going with things, and not trying to force anything. That's what's worked best for me!
atalanta0jess 7th-Jan-2009 09:54 am (UTC)
I second the advice to try not think have "having sex" in mind. If you're trying to relax, just take baby steps towards sex, and don't have any kind of "tonight is the NIGHT!" mentality. Fool around, fool around some more, and fool around some more. Rub things together down there without actually having him insert his penis. Have him insert just the tip, but not the whole thing. Etc. etc. Eventually, I bet it will just happen. :)
confused90 7th-Jan-2009 08:15 pm (UTC)
but if you're going to do this, maybe use a condom if you're not on bc, if anything just for your peace of mind
atalanta0jess 7th-Jan-2009 08:31 pm (UTC)
Definitely. Especially if the goal is for sex to "just happen" - it'll be important that any necessary protective measures be in place.
saywa 7th-Jan-2009 10:06 am (UTC)
It used to hurt me a lot when my exboyfriend and I used to have sex. He was rather...err....GIFTED in the genitailia area. lol The analogy I used to use was it was like trying to shove a hotdog in a keyhole. Just wasn't happening. Well, the only way I could relax enough to have sex so it wouldn't hurt was so have an orgasm first. He'd give me an orgasm with oral sex and then we could have sex. I guess the combination of the natural lubrication AND the orgasm relaxed me A LOT helped a tremendously.
slobbergal 7th-Jan-2009 03:15 pm (UTC)
I don't think a hot bath would help. From experience it seems to always dry me out, hot water drys your skin and I would think it drys other areas as well.

I agree with what everyone is saying though in not thinking in terms of that you have to have sex, but just enjoy the foreplay and playing around an if it happens it happens and if it doesn't you still had fun fooling around. It takes the stress off the whole thing and then you enjoy it more, the more you enjoy it the more likely you'll be able to and want to do it.
archangelbeth 7th-Jan-2009 03:46 pm (UTC)
Another thing I'd suggest would be to masturbate yourself, with penetration. Fingers to start with, but work up to larger things -- with makeshift dildos, if necessary! A pack of cheap condoms (if you don't have a latex allergy) and a slightly dirty mind are all that's really needed. You want to be wary of sharp edges that could cut you, and open bottles can set up a suction (making them hard to remove!), so you'd want to be careful if you use any thing like that. But the produce section is your sex-shop if you want! Purchase something a bit bitter than a finger, tapered in some way (carrots and cukes are the obvious candidates). Wash carefully (cucumbers can have little sharp bits on the skin that have to be rubbed off!), wrap with condom, rinse off afterwards, and eat the evidence.

Fingering can also work up to stuff -- if your guy can get three or four fingers in, with enough general stimulation that any discomfort is smothered in endorphins (clitoral stimulation, say, or -- if you have sensitive nipples -- breast stimulation)... Well, that makes the penis a lot less likely to cause any larger discomfort.

But I'd do both -- you can use some of the larger "toys" at your own pace, with you entirely in control, and hopefully get your body used to penetration as a safe, comfortable, maybe even interesting thing.

shivadidj 7th-Jan-2009 04:49 pm (UTC)
Back to just relaxing in general -- Have him give you a massage. Start with nothing sexual, just a back and neck massage. Use lots of warm oil. Scalp massage is also great. You can get a book, or just let him do what feels good. This will relax your whole body, and it's sort of "Foreplay to foreplay" in other words, when you start to feel relaxed, it naturally can lead into sexual touch.

I also second what others said about not thinking about 'having sex'. Maybe talk to him first and you two can decide that the outcome of the evenings activities does not have to be penetration. This way you don't feel pressured (by yourself or him) and if it happens it happens, if not, no big deal. This also means you'll be more relaxed in general.
merlin_fluff 8th-Jan-2009 05:19 am (UTC)

I was raped before my current (and only) man and penetration was extremely painful and I never produced natural lube. PTSD caused "clamping down" of those muscles as soon as I started getting even a little aroused/anxious/excited.. lol any emotion really.

Now, we've been together for 6 years and are trying for a baby. Still need a good long back massage to relax enough, always knowing that sex may not happen this time, lots of foreplay and a VERY patient fiance :p

Lots of lube, lots of playing and just really take the pressure off yourself if you can!

Good luck.
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