12:21 pm - 12/02/2008

On squirting and lovely vaginas in general

I was inspired to post this because of the last entry/question on squirting. There's some info in my monologue about where the squirt comes from, what it is, etc, and I think it brings some humour into the whole thing. It's fun fun fun!

Mods - if this is inappropriate, please let me know and I'll take it down.

I will be participating in the Vagina Monologues 2009 at my University. So far, the rehearsals have been thrilling, the cast incredibly talented and vibrant, and the workshops incredibly informative and self-reflexive.

One exercise we were asked to do was to write our own Vagina Monologue. Last night I performed this in front of 50+ people for a fundraising coffeehouse and was met with a pretty incredible response. People laughed SO hard and looked amazed and were intrigued and a lot of them were aroused too (so I was told afterwards).

So, seeing as I already put this out in front of lots of virtual strangers, I thought I would share it here. I've cut this for people who have no interest in knowing anything about my sex life, my vagina, and the wondrous things it can do.

When I began writing this monologue I was exited to get really deep, philosophical, and maybe even academic. I wanted to analyze larger social structures and how they shape our sexual experiences and identities. I wanted to look at fluidity and multiplicity and all of the delicious contradictions that exist within a person.

But...you know...it's a fun night, it's a casual night...I'm not really here to talk about identity politics. Let’s save that for an afternoon over coffee. I'd like to get a little self-centered right now, and discuss the fluidity I've discovered about myself.

Orgasmically, that is.

I am a female ejaculator. I’m a squirtaholic. I’m a gusher.
I can come harder, faster and wetter than anyone I've had the pleasure to come into frictional contact with.

This can prove to be a bit...surprising...for people I take to bed.

It seems only fair to issue a warming! But when is the right moment?

Over dinner? :
(suave) "Darling...I thought I should let you know...when I have my legs wrapped round your head later you may be subject to a forceful spray…well, quite like how you just sprayed wine through your nose, actually..."

Right before they get down to business?:
(on the verge) "Baby, if you brought some goggles with you now may be the time to put them on…"

(sheepishly) "well...they don't call me old faithful because I stick around for breakfast..."

But I guess the real give away of my slip n' slide sexuality comes when I respectfully ask to relocate, so as not to drench your sofa. With me, throwing in the towel means the fun is about to start, not finish!

Otherwise we have to deal with The Wet Spot.
Not just a tiny bit of runoff on the sheets, but a huge lake, right in the centre of the bed. It can make sleeping afterwards a bit tricky, and damp.
I have no idea how much liquid is really involved in the really spectacular orgasms I have. I'll have to fuck a scientist soon and get them to measure the volume per square inch of come-soaked space.
That's not even counting the ricochet spray. If CSI ever had to UV-sweep my apartment during an investigation they'd have some unexplained patterns to decipher.
Are there come-spatter analysts?
Are there mystics who can see the future by reading the wet spot - like tea leaves?

Messy or not, these orgasms feel incredible. And the mechanics of it are pretty fascinating. It all has to do with our good friend, the G-spot. The G-spot is similar to the prostate gland, which produces the seminal fluid in male ejaculate. In women, as we get aroused or with direct stimulation (“come hither” motions), the G-spot sucks fluid out of our blood stream and swells up. When we come, it contracts and shoots fluid out of our urethra in pulsing streams. Bigger G-spots mean bigger gushes. The G-spot can keep filling up and girls can keep coming in spurts…well, pretty much indefinitely. Until we get sore. Or thirsty.

The fluid produced is basically just water. It's the same as the fluid in our blood, which is the same as the water in the ocean. It's thin and warm. It's NOT pee.
Assholes who claim that female ejaculation is a myth try to make us ashamed of our squirts. They tell us that we have no bladder control.
But, when a girl is THAT horny, and her G-spot is THAT swollen up in such a delicious way, it's hard to pee. The swollen G-spot presses on the connection between the bladder and the urethra like the prostate does in guys. Guys can't pee with a hard-on, right?

So if you're a squirter like me, don't let anyone tell you it's gross. And if you've ever come close to squirting at the brink of an orgasm, but held yourself back because it felt like you might let something unpleasant slip…why not just lose control? You might surprise yourself.

It's also pretty damn satisfying to spray your lover so hard in the chest they actually STOP in their tracks.

Explosive orgasms are amazing.

It's the boiling release of primordial Aphrodite bursting forth from a fresh pink clamshell.
It's liquid love.
It's truth serum.
An older lover once dubbed it the "fountain of youth"

Explosive orgasms beg to be savoured - get wet! Get messy! Let the wetness linger, run down your thighs, or over you tongue like a fine vintage wine - one that will only get better with age.

If you’d like to know more…please don’t hesitate to ask.

Please feel free to leave comments (if you don't have an LJ account you can post anonymously but please leave your name!!), criticisms, suggestions for improvements, etc. This is still kind of in the works so I welcome changes!

Maybe this will inspire you to write your own monologue!
x-posted from my journal
crowblood_heart 2nd-Dec-2008 08:36 pm (UTC)
... ^^ i actually like this.

I'm auditioning this year for Vagina Monologues. I liked the one we did my first year. My second year I missed because they sold out a week early.
mrar 2nd-Dec-2008 08:40 pm (UTC)
I've squirted two, maybe three times in my life. It's interesting because it seems that the liquid doesn't gather during the arousal phase, but during general times of nonarousal, as if I squirted one day I will not be able to do it the next as there will be no liquid left. I've tried and it feels like I'm squirting, and I can feel the muscles pushing it out, but nothing is released.

I have also only come from squirting with intense arousal from porn and clitoral stimulation, g-spot stimulation doesn't seem to be necessary in the least. Also, I have only done it by myself, never with a partner. The arousal I get from a partner is much different from that of porn, and doesn't lead to squirting. I have tried but it has never happened.

The last time it happened I was watching porn I didn't expect to be aroused by. But I was, and as I watched it and could feel the heat build up. I unzipped my pants, merely TOUCHED my clit (nothing more than a poke) and gushed all over my pants. I hadn't done that for 3 1/2 years! Also, I do not believe I orgasm when I squirt, it's a much different feeling. Orgasms, for me, are separate from squirting. Sure, it feels good, it's a huge feeling of release and relief, but...not orgasm. No tingling, no light-headedness, no screaming with pleasure. Just... "Oh!" ::gush:: "well, that was fun."

It's funny as everything I've heard is you need g-spot stimulation, and lots of it. But for me? Nope. What works best is NOT touching myself while watching porn, then merely brushing my outside parts.

And I've heard the "squirting doesn't exist" arguments and it's obviously BS. I've peed beforehand and it still comes out in large amounts. And sure, it has a slight hint of pee in it from what was left in my urethra, but pee is yellow, and doesn't have a slight hint of pee smell it REAKS, which this liquid definitely does not.

It's fun to hear how much my method deviates from the "norm."
rzep 2nd-Dec-2008 09:35 pm (UTC)
I'm the same too - notice I said "as we get aroused OR through direct stimulation" cos it's different for everyone. Sometimes I just need to touch my clit a bit to squirt if I've been getting aroused by something else.

High Five!
alliecatfashion 2nd-Dec-2008 09:22 pm (UTC)
OMG i actually LOVED reading this, i only ever saw VM in southampton guild hall, when Sharron Osbourne did it that time!
Loved that too!

travelingrl 2nd-Dec-2008 10:14 pm (UTC)
haha, I love this. I'm a squirter too, sometimes :D
mist_twilight 3rd-Dec-2008 12:36 pm (UTC)
I think I might have made the post who inspired this AWESOME post! Oh dear, this is amazing! And so funny :) Thank you for this!
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